OPINION: The walking man

Alright. I’ve got a shirt I can sweat through, a full water bottle for me to somehow spill and my goofy-looking headphones are fully charged. Time to walk. Should I check the weather? Maybe, but I’ll be alright, surely.

Oh, phew. The sun’s out. Not a cloud in that blue sky. Wait, let me go back inside. Sunscreen, some bug spray. Arms, legs, neck, face.

Back outside. Let’s cross the street here. Crap. Did I just step in crap? I’m not sniffing my shoe to find out. I’ll just drag my foot a little. I just cleaned these shoes too.

Wow, it’s hot out. I knew that, and that means it’s good weather for walking, but it’s still really hot out. Focus on the rhythm of walking. Listen to the soothing sounds of a professional narrator sped up at 1.25 times their regular speed in this audiobook. Lovely day, lovely day.

Where is the sun anyway? Ow, found it. I just looked straight into it. When I blink I see a few spots. That was dumb. Someone should have told me that would happen.

The sky is so blue. Except for that cloud. It looks like... a cloud. Like that “Toy Story” wallpaper. Have I become boring? If I was younger, would I have called that a pig? Or maybe Zeus throwing a lightning bolt? Oop, time to cross the street again.

Look at that. The kids are playing baseball in that field. They’re arguing about something, and the pitcher just threw his hat on the ground. Classic. Now they’re waving at me. I can’t tell what they’re saying. Guess I’ll wave back.

What a strange experience this is. I know nothing about these kids; they know nothing about the overweight, sweaty man walking past, but we’re waving at each other.

Ah, someone’s walking toward me. Someone and a thing attached to a leash. What are they called? Dogs. Right. Cute little thing, but the guy’s got quite a grip on that leash. He’s sniffing my shoes as I walk past, that’s adorable. Is it a he? I can’t tell.

Crossing the road again. Sidewalk’s a little rough here, gravel patches every once in a while. Time for a drink. Ah! I just spilled all over myself! Hmm... maybe this is good. Makes me look like I’m masculine and worked out every part of my body.

Or that I’m dumb and spilled water over myself like a fool. It doesn’t look like I’ve peed, right? Didn’t reach that far? Did the kids spot that? Woah, they got far away. Have I already walked this far? Huh.

A few more nods to the passerbys. I wonder if they’re like me, enjoying but also grimacing at the heat. That guy looks like me; I’ll nod and give a thumbs up. We’re in this together. I think that was too much, he didn’t nod back. I’m dumb.

What just ran past my feet? A little furry thing, what’s it got there? Woah. It’s chewing on an apple. The squirrel is having lunch right in front of me. There’s no way it’s going to have it all. How big is a squirrel’s stomach?

Let me take a picture of this. Ah, but it’s on someone’s lawn. I don’t want to be the creep taking pictures of someone’s lawn. I’ll just do it from over here, zoom in. Let’s look at the photo. Huh. Looks like crap.

What the heck is that noise? Sounds like a siren. Is it Saturday? Is it noon already? Guess so. This would be terrifying if I wasn’t cooking on this sidewalk.

My thighs are starting to cramp up. Where’s the nearest bench? What a wimp I am. Shins ache, thighs cramp, forehead’s matted with sweat. I probably smell. Gross. Why does anyone do this?

Get up. Come on, we gotta go. Almost there, anyway. But don’t think of the destination, it’ll just get longer. One foot there, another foot there. This chafing thing is absolutely awful. Is baby powder safe yet? Anyone got the word on Johnson and Johnson?

Home sweet home. There it is. Took me long enough. To the bathtub I go. Is it cold water for warm weather? Or is it warm water always? Ah, never mind. Water feels good.

That sucked. I’ll do it again in a few hours.