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‘America’s favorite contact sport’

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Prince Andrew was ordered to evacuate his offices in Buckingham Palace Friday in the wake of revelations of his cavorting with underage girls along with Jeffrey Epstein. Prince Andrew last night asked Queen Elizabeth if he was adopted. The Queen replied, not yet, nobody has asked for you.

President Trump enjoyed spending Thanksgiving with U.S. troops in Afghanistan at Bagram Air Base. Trump was surrounded by the Taliban to the east, Russians to the north, Al Qaeda to the west, and the Iranians to the South. He said it was the safest he’s felt since he moved to Washington.

China’s crackdown on Hong Kong has drawn no further protest from the NBA with billions in Nike money in the balance. China’s influence may soon spread to the NFL. The Cincinnati Bengals are considering hiring the first head football coach from China next year, his name is Win Won Soon.

China’s government announced it will require facial recognition software on all cell phones in China to be activated by the registered user’s face before the phone can be used. The new law has already hit a glitch. Apparently the same person has registered one billion, five hundred million times.

The House Judiciary Committee holds impeachment hearings this week. Every morning, CNN has Trump locked up and put away, then every night, Fox News rides to the rescue and sets him free. Ever since Trump was elected, the news has replaced football as America’s favorite contact sport.

President Trump flew to London on Sunday for Monday’s meeting of NATO heads of state. The leaders of France, Germany, Poland and Italy are expected to have one question for President Trump and for Prime Minister Boris Johnson. Should we add Super Cuts to the list of terrorist organizations?

The Wall Street Journal reported a poll Friday which said that most Republicans believe that Donald Trump is a better president than Abe Lincoln, which alerted the Secret Service never to let Robert DeNiro get near Trump. Never forget that an actor shot Lincoln. His agent got him the gig.

Martin Scorcese’s The Irishman with Robert DeNiro is now on Netflix in a true story about an Irish hit man in the Mafia involved in the Hoffa drama. Viewers cited the movie’s three-and-one-half hour length. It’s so long the mob had to go to Welshmen and Scotsmen to finish killing everyone.

The Weather Channel aired footage of the monster winter storm that slammed into California Thursday with blizzards that closed the mountain highway passes. Northern California was hit the hardest. Wind gusts were so strong in San Francisco that the residents were peeing on themselves.

Iran’s supreme leader the Ayatollah Khamenei launched a fertility campaign that’s intended to double Iran’s population to one hundred fifty million people. He’s offering a gold coin to couples who produce babies. If he really wants to increase pregnancies, he should start by legalizing alcohol.

McDonald’s began posting a list of all the items on its menu which are less than four hundred calories to project healthy eating options. Subway responded by posting a calorie count of all the items which they serve at their restaurants. Not to be outdone Chipotle has begun posting body counts.

The L.A. Times says Mexico’s legislature passed a law legalizing user amounts of pot, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, and meth. The law says if police find Mexicans holding these drugs, they are to give them a map to the nearest rehab. It’s easily the biggest extension of white privilege in my lifetime.

The Alabama Supreme Court upheld a local Birmingham ordinance which protects Civil War hero statues from being taken down. It was a war between the Republicans in the North and the Democrats in the South. A hundred years later they figured it’s halftime so both parties changed sides.

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