OPINION: Good riddance, January

We’re nearing the end of the first month of January, and I’m ready to have some warm weather now.

I feel I’ve exhausted my writings on movies over the past few months; there’s been quite a lot of great ones. But this week I find myself unable to muster up any smart or snarky commentary.

Best Picture nominees were a resounding success, a solid 8/10 on my predictions. “Bugonia” making it is a great nod, but “F1″ crossing the checkered flag was a surprise. I don’t have anything else to say other than that.

On the personal side, it’s been a difficult month. The cold and winter season is part of it. Driving 15 minutes home every day in the dark and cold, even with my car’s heat on, has been a grueling exercise in avoiding sadder thoughts.

Writing that last sentence isn’t fun for me. I don’t want to seem childish or emo. But I think it’s the most accurate way to describe what goes through my head whenever I’m driving home. I can’t help but be alone with my thoughts.

I like to think I’m very good at articulating what I’m thinking. I can at least write accurately. Speaking my thoughts is harder; I’m a slow thinker. Still, talking about depression or anxiety or loneliness always feels lame. My experiences aren’t unique, and yet they affect me so much.

Eventually, when I focus so much on myself, a troubling thought emerges that I’m being narcissistic. Woe is me, my vanity is tainted. It’s so much easier to make fun of myself and self-deprecate than to change.

Why is this month any different from the others? Sure, it’s colder, but I should be in a much healthier spot.

I’m on medication again, and I’m staying consistent. I’ve been making goals like getting better sleep and trying new recipes. I made a ridiculous goal of reading 50 books over 2026, and somehow I’m ahead of pace.

I’ve been enjoying buying new outfits and focusing a little more on my appearance, something I never did when I was younger in some sort of rebellious idea. I light up when I’m in a new fit.

And yet, despite so many things which should make me happy in this moment, I’m still mining away at a cave of my own issues. Most of it is exasperated by winter. It’s hard to want to go out when I’m going to be pretty cold on the way to and from.

A part of my brain says I should suck it up and deal with it, but this is also the brain which wants short-term solutions for long-term problems. The ape brain which wants to eat 4,000 calories in a single sitting. Among other things.

God, this column is depressing.

My initial goal for writing all of this out was to come to some sort of breakthrough. Put an optimistic spin on what I’ve been doing recently which I can crowbar into the end. Make the last sentence the only one that matters.

I just can’t sometimes. I try my hardest to really look at things through as positive of an angle as I can. But as the cold gets sharper and the world beyond us gets increasingly more horrifying, what is my individual purpose meant to be?

Looking at Minnesota and the unjustifiable violence by improperly-trained goons who can cash in signing bonuses while arresting and displacing families has been absolutely disgusting. But this isn’t the first or the last time this country will steep so low.

ICE agents have families, but so do those protesters. Legality seems to be optional. If the cruelty is done with a petty enough purpose, the administration can epically troll the Democrats. Maybe the White House will have the chance to make an AI-generated meme.

Beyond the U.S., Ukraine is still fighting a war for its own survival. You might have forgotten it’s been almost four years since Russia first invaded. Israel continues to create a humanitarian crisis of its own design in Palestine. Iran has killed more than 6,000 protesters who dared to challenge the regime.

Yet, here I am.

I’m 24. The general estimate for when the human brain fully develops is around the age of 25. Not a strict deadline obviously, but it makes me think.

It makes me think in the same way of how I’d change when I became a teenager. When I became an adult. When I graduated college.

I’m unapologetically myself. There are things I want to change about myself which I’ll work on throughout this year and especially once this damn cold isn’t so strong. But no matter what I weigh or what I wear, I’ll always be me.

A friend told me my laugh was infectious last week. I always knew I had a pretty good one, but hearing how it made others happy, I almost started crying. If something so simple can do that, I shouldn’t be so harsh on myself.

Ah. Did it again.