A working mom’s guilt

It’s been just over two months and while I’m glad to be back in office, I’d be lying if I said it was easy.

Tuesday I worked during the day and traveled to Winterset in the evening to cover the cross country meet. By the time I got home after 8 p.m., I’d hardly seen my 10-week-old baby the entire day.

A women’s brain changes when she becomes a mother. It’s part of our instinct to protect and care for our young. Research published by the National Institutes of Health says beginning in late pregnancy, women show increased vigilance to threats and greater sensitivity to infant cues.

“Such heightened maternal sensitivity to infants supports mothers’ psychological adaptation to care for infants immediately when the baby is born and afterwards,” the report states. “Typically, parental anxiety and preoccupation peaks immediately after childbirth and begins to diminish during the first three to four months postpartum.“

At just over two months postpartum, I’m not out of the weeds yet. I have dreams about me accidentally putting her in danger. Last night it was that I let her get too close to the edge of a boat. She almost fell over into the propeller. I feel like I’m on high alert 24/7.

The fact that I’m already a control freak makes me even more on edge when she’s out of my arms. I squirm seeing someone holding the bottle not quite at the right angle or burping her in a way different than how I would do it.

She’s in her first week of daycare and while I have complete trust in their abilities, I worry about her. She’s having a hard time adjusting to the sounds of other children.

She can sleep right through our two dogs barking at the mailman, but a baby crying? That’s a foreign sound to her. Lack of sleep at daycare means she comes home grumpy. It’s hard not to feel guilty.

There’s an added difficulty of two parents with random schedules, one working evenings and overnights while the other works days and afternoons.

This week, Tuesday, Wednesday and today I work all day, am up with her through the night and then work in the morning. I know lots of men and women do this, but it’s new to me.

Friday my husband works in the evening while I travel to Glenwood to cover the Panthers football game. We are lucky to have friends and now family here to help us take care of our little one.

My mother-in-law moved to town to be closer to her little granddaughter, and it’s been great having her here. She’s looking for a part-time office/clerical job if anyone has any suggestions!

I’m excited to be back writing and designing pages. It’s good to get dressed up, get out of the house and be out and about. I would certainly not make a good stay-at-home mom.

That being said, I had a wonderful maternity leave. By the time we left the hospital with the baby, I felt 10 times better than I had my entire pregnancy. The pain in my pelvis and hips basically immediately vanished. I only experience flare ups now on the tail end of a walk.

Being able to walk and bend and sleep on my back are all great for my mental health. I do, however, find it psychologically draining that my sleep is dependent on whether or not she will sleep in her bassinet. A 10-week-old baby gets to dictate when I sleep. It’s just crazy.

Though I’m not in the pain I was in while pregnant, I have had some minor health issues. Two weeks postpartum I landed in the emergency room with a high fever, dizziness and body aches. I had mastitis and a UTI at the same time. Of course the symptoms started on a Friday night.

Then I began to question pain I had been experiencing in my back and upper right abdomen. As it turns out, the pregnancy hormones resulted in my body forming a cluster of gallstones. As a result, I will be having my gallbladder removed during Balloon Days.

My life right now is all over the place, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.