OPINION: Step ones and the plight of nurturing yourself

This Monday, I woke up at 2 a.m., nestled into my armchair. I fell asleep at around 9 p.m. yesterday trying to watch the first episode of the Apple TV show “Foundation.” I’m sure the show is good, but I was fairly tired after a full weekend of performing in Crest Area Theatre’s production of ”The Beverly Hillbillies."

I needed some rest. Apparently, all I was getting was five hours. My body refused to fall back asleep.

Sleep has eluded me for a couple weeks now. I was waking up at 5 a.m. during the first few days of July. Then, I woke up at 4 a.m. the day of the Fourth of July parade. Not good.

A deer recently hit my car, which has been a major source of stress on me as I’ve tried to fruitlessly figure out how I’m going to scrounge a way to fix the car I just bough a few months ago. The first few days after, I kept waking up because I kept dreaming about the fear I felt watching the deer smash into my front right door.

Good sleep is possibly the hardest commodity to come by these days. I’m more inclined to receive it, considering I live alone and my schedule mostly allows for it to happen. Yet, I often take the time of rest for granted.

My generation is pretty big on phones. I often fall asleep in bed after tapping at mine for an hour. This is extremely bad for me! It’s a part of my routine now, which is unfortunate.

At work, my eyes face a computer screen. At home, I’m watching movies and TV on a screen. Before I sleep, my phone screen. For someone who wears glasses, you’d think I’d be smarter about what’s damaging my vision.

I’m extremely sensitive to sound when I’m lightly dozing. So if there’s rain tapping on my window, it’s hard for me to enter into the type of sleep which recovers.

I can’t take melatonin no matter the size of the dosage because I end up feeling sleepy all day. I’m worried my heavy eyelids could impact my work if I’m still tired when I show up to an early meeting.

Change, change, change. At some point, change is an exhausting choice. Sleep seems optional when I feel functional now, but it’s a resource I can’t just ignore.

I will try to change. Step one is finding a spot for my phone that’s not in the bedroom, or at least have it out of reach. I’ve had a fear I’ll get a call in the middle of the night about something important, like a one-time offer of $10 bajillion dollars, but I think things will be fine to wait until morning.

It’s just a step one. If I make the step, I’ll think more on it. Change is gradual and hard, even when we all wish it was instant and easy.

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I wrote in my column a while ago about how I was committed to a calorie-deficit diet. I’m proud to say I’ve gone from 206 lbs to 194 this Monday morning. Pretty cool stuff (even if it feels small), especially because I’m becoming much more comfortable about my body.

To outline my goals a little more, possibly to hex myself or hold me accountable, I’ve had a goal since college of making it to 160 lbs. This will probably take another year at this rate, but I’ve been efficient so far. The closest I’ve ever gotten was around 170 (when I was walking to every class and mess hall at the University of Iowa).

The real goal, dream goal perhaps, is 140, but I don’t think that’s realistic. At least, not yet. I think dreaming so big can be damaging, especially when this type of exercise is all about patience and discipline. It’s so easy to feel discouraged. But, tomorrow is another day.

Something useful I’ve felt is looking for something else to do when I feel cravings. I clean, workout, organize, do laundry or walk. If I do need to eat (I listen to my body, even if I know it’s wrong), I munch on spinach and lettuce until the cravings go away.

For anybody who lives alone, here’s something I’ve come to terms with recently. There’s no one who will look out for you besides yourself at this stage of your life. So, work on yourself, but you can’t be harsh or you will end up destroying yourself. Love yourself, nurture yourself.

It’s not selfish, it’s love. Love what you do, be proud how you want to change, to be expressive and be a part of something else.

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I can’t fathom how much better my personal health is, mental and physical, if I didn’t join Crest Area Theatre last year and continue this summer. I love doing those shows, even when there are better actors or when times are tough.

Those actors became my friends. It’s a joy to watch them succeed, and a joy to feel myself succeed alongside them. If there’s anything I can take away from the last weekend, it’s that there’s always an opportunity to celebrate each other. Do not miss that chance.