What’s your definition of clean?

This month marked 11 years I’ve been with my husband Patrick. We were just seniors in high school on New Year’s Eve when he pulled into the Legion parking lot at just after midnight to ask me to be his girlfriend.

Since then, we’ve experienced a lot together, and it hasn’t all been smooth sailing. When you entwine someone so thoroughly into your life, there can be snags where the two of you disagree.

I’ve heard people warn about a plethora of topics spouses should agree on in order to have a successful marriage. From finances to parenting, they all make sense.

But I think there’s one people overlook that actually causes a lot of tension — cleaning.

Now I’m not talking about who does which chores or who primarily cleans the house. I’m talking about each person’s definition of clean.

There are videos moms will make where they place a piece of paper on the ground somewhere in the house. Underneath the paper is money, maybe a five dollar bill. She checks back periodically to see if her kids or husband will pick up the paper to throw it away and find the money.

Usually, the paper and money remain in place, allegedly proving they are lazy or don’t care about the state of the house. Every time the mom passes the paper, she gets more and more frustrated. Why do they just expect her to clean it up? Why can’t they pitch in?

I’m sure some of you reading this can empathize with the mom.

As someone who is not at all like the mom, let me share my thoughts. We all have different definitions of clean and different levels of concern around how clean the home is.

My sister and her fiance are a great example. Their house is spotless and looks like it came out of a magazine. There are candles lit in every room, a simmer pot on the stove and nothing is out of place. She comes home every day and cleans the house.

When the garbage starts to get full, she wants him to take it out. But he doesn’t think it’s a problem until it’s all the way full. She ends up taking it out herself.

On the flip side, when she does laundry, she puts the clean clothes into the bedroom and usually doesn’t fold them. She doesn’t mind the mess because it’s behind closed doors. Her fiance doesn’t like the mess in the bedroom.

Now these are all little things and they’re finding ways to adapt like we all do, but it gave me a glimpse into how big of a role this can play for a couple.

Patrick and I are both really go with the flow about cleaning. On our days off, we each do some cleaning. But if I take a whole day off to read and relax while there’s a pile of dishes to be done and a mound of laundry to be folded, he tells me it’s no big deal.

We both prioritize ourselves over the state of our home. That’s not how everyone operates, and that’s OK. Even though we have similar opinions on the prioritization of our house being clean, we do still differ on what clean means.

I read somewhere that some people believe dirt is dirty and some believe clutter is dirty. I am the latter while my husband is the former. When he cleans, he does the dishes, wipes down the kitchen counters, starts the Roomba and mops the floors.

When I wake up to the “clean” house, all I see is a kitchen table filled with mail and other clutter. When I clean, I pick up all the clutter around the house, but the counters may still be sticky and the floors definitely have stuffing from dog toys lying about.

Instead of fighting over our differences, we use it to our advantage. I clean up the clutter and he cleans up the dirt.

I guess my long-winded point is if you are a person who prioritizes clean and your loved one doesn’t, don’t take it personally. We all have different perceptions around this topic, we just need to find a way to adapt to each other.