COLUMN: The dark side of empathy

As I grow older, I realize how much our childhood carries into our adult lives. I recently read about how elevated empathy can stem from being around an emotionally unstable person as a child.

We consider empathy to be a good thing, and for the most part it is. Generally, empathy is the ability to share other people’s emotions and to experience them, to some degree, as if they were your own.

Having the capacity to be empathetic is vital in developing relationships. However, some people have an extremely high level of empathy which is known as hyper-empathy. Unmanaged, this overlooked syndrome can be harmful to one’s mental health because it can increase the likelihood to pursue co-dependent relationships, have poor personal boundaries and neglect one’s own needs.

The stepmother I had as a child terrified me. Some days, she would be kind. She would show me her crafting projects or talk to me about Bible stories. Most days she yelled. She was very easy to upset. As a child, I walked on egg shells. All I wanted was to get through the day without her getting angry.

As I practiced this behavior for more than a decade, I inadvertently taught my mind to be hyper aware of her emotions. It’s an instinctual survival technique.

A study published in 2019 followed 84 children— half of which had been exposed to traumatic events from a very young age — to assess their empathy responses when they became preadolescents. The study found that those children who had experienced strained mother-child relationships showed a higher amount of both affective and hyper-empathy.

Children in these situations learn that they are responsible for the happiness of others. These children are taught that love is transactional and are in the constant pursuit of people-pleasing in order to earn love.

I see these characteristics in myself. I’ve known for a long time that I am a people-pleaser. The irony is my stepmom always yelled at me for being a people-pleaser when she’s the reason I became one.

One of the biggest downside’s I’ve noticed from hyper-empathy is the necessity for everyone to be having fun. I’m a planner. With my group of friends or even my family, I’m often put forward or volunteer to make the plans. I’ll get feedback and try to choose activities everyone will enjoy. The problem is, you can’t please everyone. But if I don’t please everyone, it’s agony.

I went to the state fair the first weekend with my sister, husband, mother-in-law and brother-in-law. I was so excited to go. I wanted to try the new food and see what it was all about!

My sister was immediately having a bad time. She didn’t like being around so many people. We were all hot. My mother-in-law didn’t want to wait in lines to get food.

My mother-in-law really wanted to see the animals, and my sister said they smelled bad. I spent the entire day feeling guilty and miserable. I planned the day and yet no one was happy. That was my responsibility, my fault. Within an hour, I was counting down the minutes until we could leave. I didn’t try any new food.

Have you ever heard of second-hand embarrassment? If you’ve seen the “Scott’s Tots” episode of “The Office,” I know you’ve felt it. It goes even further with hyper-empathy. If someone does something that could be construed as embarrassing, I always pretend not to notice. I’m terrified they’ll know I know and get embarrassed because I will feel that. If someone messes up my order, I pretend it’s perfect. For my wedding, the lady doing my pedicure painted my toes dark red on accident instead of cream, and if it weren’t for my mom speaking up, I would have just gone with it for fear of upsetting her.

My goal is always for people to not be upset. Because of this, I can be seen as a “fixer.” I’ve had to work on that in my personal relationships because not all problems can or should be fixed. For example, when someone is grieving, I have no clue what to do or say. One of the techniques I’ve tried is to say, “That sucks.” or “That sounds really difficult, I’m sorry.” It’s so unnatural and uncomfortable for me to be around someone upset.

A review of several studies found that youths with higher empathic sensitivity were at an increased risk of personal distress and excessive interpersonal guilt. Hyper-empathic people may be at more risk of developing anxiety and depression because of a tendency to internalize and focus on negative emotions and take on guilt.

There really are no cures or treatment for this sensitivity. Deep breaths, therapy and spending time in nature are really all I found. Honestly, what’s helped me the most is just being aware of it. Knowing what triggers that anxiety helps me to avoid it. My husband reminds me to “be selfish” sometimes. He works hard to stop me from putting others first at the expense of myself.

I don’t have the answers, but if this sounds like something you experience, I encourage you to look into it.