Van Nostrand: Nothing ever sounds good with short A. Ever.

I think it all started with my first doctor’s visit as a child. I probably don’t remember what my ailment was or why my parents thought it was important for me to go. But, during those early years, I trusted my parents would do the right thing for me.

So I’m on the exam room table and the doctor is going through the routine check-up for a kid who still doesn’t know what Ph.D. means. I probably only knew the alphabet through H at the time. The doctor grabs a tongue depressor and politely asks me to stick out my tongue and say “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.” (To help understand this column, do the same thing. Say aaaaaaaah.) I was diagnosed with something. I got the pink-colored, foul tasting medication for treatment. I was sick. I was bummed. And it all started with saying aaaaaaaah.

As an adult, probably some 45 years from that moment, I have now realized the negative, disturbing, disappointing, frightening, depressing mood every time that vowel sound is made and it all started with that time at the doctor. I heard a morning radio host say years ago nothing ever good happens after midnight. I’m thinking the same thing. Nothing ever good happens using the short A vowel sound. Here are several examples.

Husbands and boyfriends, you have been asked the question, “Honey, do these jeans make me look fat?” The short A sound in the word fat gives you the creeps more than having to honestly answer the question. You don’t know how to answer. Say yes and you’re in the doghouse. Answer no and she doesn’t believe it as she thinks she does look fat – or why would she have asked? The drama of the question intensifies only because of the A sound in fat. However you answer will be wrong.

“What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news.” Like fat, the word bad sets off fear. You don’t want to hear the bad news because you heard the short A sound. That vowel sound is like a tornado siren. You have to hear it when authorities think conditions justify hitting the switch. But when you hear the word bad, you think of what tragedy could have happened; like she just came back from a shopping trip that included new jeans.

For you women out there, this is a pretty easy one. If the word man didn’t have the short A sound, the comment, “He’s just another man,” would put men in a much better stereotype. Much better. It’s not that all men are sexist, pigs or ignorant. It’s the short A sound in man that makes women get defensive. Saying what we are (man) doesn’t even sound good. I’m sure there are women who say, “He’s a bad man.” That makes things worse when two short A vowel sound words are consecutive. Woman get the breaks as the A has a different sound in that word.

Increases in income, retail and or property... taxes? Enough said. The taxes go up in the amount of time it takes to say tax all because of the short A vowel sound.

Although the movie “Ratatouille” had its good moments, one of the movies’s main characters is still a rat. Rats never have anything positive. Who cares if a rat infestation upsets people in New York City neighborhoods. Even when something bad happens we can say, “rats” in frustration. Another word usually said in frustration is considered an obscenity. The short A vowel sound is our shadow. See, even shadow is not a good thing because it has that A sound.

Living in the Midwest, bats, are another unfortunate short A included name animal. Sure, they eat mosquitos, but they are the ones living in our attics threatening to bite and infect us with rabies. Then you have to go to the hospital for rabies shots and the preliminary procedure includes using the tongue depressor. Or what’s worse than rabies is those bats turn into vampires at midnight. Bats. Vampires. Short A vowel sound words. We can’t win.

See what the cat did? Broke the vase jumping on the shelves. Had a back leg claw catch a thread in a favored winter, knitted sweater and turned it to strings. Left a dead bird on the front porch. The only difference between bats and cats is B and C. It all sounds the same after that.

Sad? That one word says so much. Book club members struggle to talk about the ending to the sad story. Dates involving sad movies don’t have good endings because the woman is wrought with emotion as the man walks her to her door. She can’t pay him any attention. How many relationships that had a chance never developed because of what happened after the sad movie. Has the short A vowel sound destroyed couples’ future potential because of sad movies on those early dates?

Before smartphones we looked at paper maps with distress once we realized we were lost. We could see where we wanted to go, but didn’t know where we were at on the map. Even during the smartphone era, the short A vowel sounds don’t give us confidence as we research and use apps and get frustrated when they don’t work.

Mental health has received plenty of attention in the past year plus because of COVID and some sports stars. I think one easy treatment is avoiding the use of words that have the short A vowel sound.