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On the Eve of my 43rd Birthday

“Do you think we treated our mom’s this way,” I asked my friend as we neared the end of our conversation. That’s right my friends. I’m at that point in my life when I’m wondering if I really was an awful young woman. I certainly don’t remember being terrible, but rose colored glasses and what not.

It’s funny to me how and what we choose to remember of our lives. I think I’m going to say “choose” because there are a great many things in my life I have forgotten. I don’t know if it’s been willingly, but sometimes a friend or even a family member will remind me of an event that happened and I will be somewhat stunned:

“I did that. Huh. I don’t recall.”

For example, my dad just reminded me that my high school boyfriend almost got sued during Homecoming – by the local car dealership – because he and his friends egged a bunch of cars. Dad saved the day and fixed all the cars so Nathan wouldn’t get into trouble. Totally forgot that.

Also, I used to flip cameras off a lot in high school? So much so that my friends still make fun of me about it. I sincerely think they’re confusing me with someone else. And one time, I snuck out of the home economics room window during first hour. Surely, not me!!! That sounds like someone ornery!

I can’t decide if I am slowly disremembering due to old age, lack of interest, trauma, or quite simply the desire to forget. I think maybe it’s more about how I’m always wanting to be moving forward. Since I was a little girl, I wanted to hurry up and grow up. In high school, I desperately wanted to NOT be in high school. Even in college, the first time, I looked for ways to be quickly done with college.

It seems I’ve always been racing toward the future, and now that I find myself finally living in it, I want to stay put.

For the first time in my almost 43 years, I don’t really want to move into a new moment. It’s not that I’m fearful of death (I mean it’s 2020 and I think we’ve all come to terms with death and dying at this point). Instead, I feel like I’ve finally raced to the point of where I’ve always wanted to be.

It’s kind of weird. Almost like a, “Huh. What now?” But at the same time, it’s really nice. I don’t feel rushed to write another article or direct a show. Been there. Done that. Instead, I’m pretty satisfied to walk the dogs and read a book. Ah, middle age. How sexy you are.

Who would have thought that all my life I have basically just been wanting to be old? Well. Probably my parents. I’m kind of a stick in the mud, have major anxiety, and I get scared if I’m out of control. WOW, don’t I sound like a ball of fun?

So, as I sit here and reflect on my life, I wonder about what’s in store for me next. The first 43 years were certainly surprising. I never thought I would end up living so far away from my parents. Heck, at 16 I thought I would someday be a famous movie star. HA! Hilarious. Ah. Youth.

What is a goal for me? Now that I no longer seek to jump into the future? Well, I guess I would love to retreat from the world completely and go total frontier off the grid. I’ve started slowly by leaving Facebook. Eventually, I will give up all social media. At some point, I hope for no one to know what I look like even! Wouldn’t that be grand? “Kelly Marcus, is she a blonde?” Ha! Maybe! Anonymity feels delicious. What a bold leap from wanting to be famous to seeking to have no one know me at all.

I feel like the level of exposure we all live at has gotten destructive, so for the next 43 years, I figure I can try to figure out how to retreat and rebuild a more wholesome life, more connected to nature, and less connected to tech. I guess I’ll have to start handwriting my columns.

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