HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Politico reported that Harris Polling ran a national poll of Democratic voters asking who they support for president. The list included Hillary and John Kerry. Hillary won with 21%, followed by Biden with 20%, Bernie at 12%, Liz at 10%, and Kerry just lucky the race wasn’t held at Santa Anita.
Cosmopolitan magazine reports that more and more millennial women are freezing their eggs so they can have kids later in their business careers. My young neighbor’s wife is pregnant and last week he asked me to be the godfather. So I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse and killed his horse.
President Trump went to the Supreme Court to try to keep Congress from looking at his past tax returns. Democrats say it’s in the interest of transparency. In the interest of comedy, I say forget about tax returns, anyone running for office should be required to reveal their Internet search history.
America’s Got Talent produced and hosted by Simon Cowell is suddenly under investigation for charges by employees of the show of having a toxic work environment. Cowell himself has lawyered up, which makes sense. If there is anything America has got more than talent, it’s lawyers.
Walmart apologized for the sweatshirt it’s advertising that shows Santa smiling over a coffee table full of cocaine. The coffee table has three lines of coke on it, one for each Ho. Walmart said the sweatshirt does not reflect Walmart values, since it wasn’t meth that was on the coffee table.
The New York Times says House Democrats will be drawing up two articles of impeachment by Friday after Monday’s hearings during which the Democrats forgot to swear the witnesses in. Who’s managing this impeachment? Laurel and Hardy looked better pushing a piano up a staircase.
Inspector General Michael Horowitz listed 17 cases of FBI misconduct in probing the Trump campaign. That’s a good number. When your scandal is competing with Jeffrey Epstein, Prince Andrew, and R. Kelly, no one pays attention to it unless it involves something under 18.
The Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce quoted numbers indicating that this year’s holiday shopping may be the best ever in Los Angeles. Novelty shops on Hollywood Boulevard say they are doing huge business selling sex dolls. It’s more proof that inflation under Trump is out of control.
Cal Berkeley cell biologists recently released research finding that squeezing women’s breasts helps prevent breast cancer. It’s obviously true because I’ve been doing it for decades and not once did I get breast cancer. But to this day Kathleen Willey has yet to thank Bill Clinton for saving her life.
Hugh Hefner’s ex-girlfriends will conduct a seance to try to contact him. Is the table rising or is Hef glad to see us? He died two years ago, and shortly after what Me Too did to Harvey Weinstein, Louis CK, Al Franken and Matt Lauer, I think we can all agree that Hugh Hefner died JUST in time.
The New York Post ran photos of Jeffrey Epstein with Prince Andrew and Harvey Weinstein at a party at Windsor Castle 13 years ago. This is far from over. Last week Queen Elizabeth canceled Prince Andrew’s 60th birthday party after she heard it was planned for Chuck E. Cheese.
Fox News interviewed a detective who’d questioned Jeffrey Epstein’s pilot who revealed there were underage girls on the flights and bedrooms in the back of the cabin. It never ends. Last week, Epstein’s New York jail guards were charged with falsifying records but on the upside, they did get into USC.
The College Football Playoff roster was finalized Sunday with Ohio State, Clemson, Louisiana State and Oklahoma. What separates these programs from other teams this year is the same thing that’s always separated the German Army from other armies throughout history. Strength of schedule.