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Argus Hamilton

‘Either she forgot his fries or he was proposing’

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The Wall Street Journal warned Baby Boomers we have not saved up enough money to make it through retirement in style. I admit to being a financial illiterate. Last week, they convinced me to sign up for the Comedy Store’s 401 K, but I’m a little nervous because I’ve never run that far.

The National Retail Federation released a study that found people who put up their Christmas decorations earlier are happier. Why even take them down? I keep the Christmas lights strung around my roof turned on year-round and ten months a year people assume it’s a Chinese restaurant.

The Nashville Tennessean reported that police arrested a man last week who pulled a gun on a McDonald’s employee who worked the drive-thru window in Tennessee. Logically there could be only two reasons why the man pulled a gun on her. Either she forgot his fries or he was proposing.

The Florida Times Union sports section reported last week that a one hundred and three year old golfer sank a hole-in-one on a one hundred-sixty-five yard par three hole in Tallahassee last week. Scoring the man’s games is a delicate matter. You never tell a man that age that he’s six-under.

Joe Biden campaigned in Iowa Tuesday where he claimed that the president’s Ukraine probe proved he was worried about having to face Joe Biden next year. He’s a hoot. Joe Biden stood onstage and declared that he is certainly sharp enough and smart enough to defeat Donald W. Bush.

The White House reported that President Trump plans to attend the LSU-Alabama game this Saturday in Bama. He may be on hand for the pre-game coin toss. If Trump tells the players they can have the ball first if they win the coin toss, he could be impeached for offering them quid pro quo.

U.S. diplomats allege Trump dangled military aid to Ukraine in exchange for cracking down on corruption that could implicate the Bidens. Quid pro quo has always been a tool of U.S. foreign policy. Five years ago, the U.S. agreed to recognize Cuba because Obama always wanted a ‘53 Chevy.

President Trump plans to place a medal around the neck of Conan the Hero Dog at the White House this week. It was just learned that Conan is a female, despite her male name. It will be the first time Trump has honored a transgender, but Mike Pence can’t be there unless his wife is present.

New Yorker journalist Ronan Farrow told Bill Maher on HBO Friday he believes that it’s time to re-open the twenty-year-old Clinton rape allegations. No one doubts the consequences. This morning, Hillary expressed her profound sorrow about Ronan Farrow’s skydiving accident next week.

McDonald’s CEO Steven Easterbrook was fired by the Board of Directors Monday for having a sexual affair with a female office staffer at the McDonald’s corporate headquarters. The CEO really made off like a bandit. His severance package included forty-two million dollars and small fries.

The Audubon Society published a report Tuesday which detailed the declining bird population Wednesday, and it’s alarming. The report stated that in the last fifty years, North America has lost nearly three billion birds. Most of those occurred after Popeye’s introduced spicy chicken sandwiches.

The Chicago teacher’s strike was finally settled Friday after an angry walk-out that shut down Chicago public schools for nine whole days. I’ll say this, they may be the safest schools in the U.S. No mass shooter would dare enter a Chicago public school because he knows he’d be outgunned.

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