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‘Keeping up with the Ukrainians’

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

West Hollywood will host the world’s largest Halloween Parade on Santa Monica Boulevard tonight with a million revelers in scary garb. It is no surprise what frightens people out here. Last year the winner of the Scariest Costume Award came dressed as a cell phone with 2% power.

Halloween originated in England as a death-mocking precursor to All Hallowed Saints Day in the Church of England, a feast day when the dead are honored. I’ve read Jehovah’s Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. Apparently they don’t appreciate complete strangers knocking on their door.

Comedy Store fans signed a petition asking me to run for president Sunday. This would be my campaign message if I ran. If you add up Clinton’s pot smoking, Bush’s drinking, Obama’s cocaine sniffing and Trump’s womanizing with Argus Hamilton you’ll get four presidents for the price of one.

Science News this month reported a huge increase in the number of inventors in America who are applying for patents for devices and robots that provide sexual pleasure. A scientist recently invented a machine that can give a woman an orgasm with the touch of a button. It’s called an ATM.

North Korea and South Korea are reported begun to open businesses in each other’s countries as a cultural exchange. A North Korean restaurant just opened in Seoul. On opening night, they were going to serve customers a surprise dessert, but somebody in the kitchen let the cat out of the bag.

The King James Bible was attacked by theologians Thursday for patriarchy and promotion of religious royalism. Every religion is plagued by political correctness. The new revised terrorist creed says that jihaddists who martyr themselves will be met in Paradise by 72 virgins, one for each gender.

President Trump’s ordered attack on al-Baghdadi hideout Saturday was followed the next day by a second attack that killed the ISIS next-command. Both headquarters were then bombed to rubble. The attack has reportedly left ISIS so demoralized that the terrorists have lost their will to die.

The Washington Post eulogized al-Baghdadi Sunday and ripped Trump’s use of dogs in the mission. Later, Nats fans booed him for five minutes at the World Series. Who knew Trump could get D.C. Democrats to interrupt baseball, condemn dogs and side with terrorists all in one weekend?

U.S. Rep. Katie Hill resigned Congress Monday after she appeared in nude photos. They show her with a Nazi-era Iron Cross tattoo below the stomach and above the landing strip. President Trump saw the photos and said he was sure that there are good people on both sides of the bikini line.

President Trump’s recent killer performances at huge rallies in packed huge arenas prompted The Hill to post a bitter article comparing Donald Trump to Andrew Dice Clay. He rose to fame by insulting feminists, gays, minorities and speaking in nursery rhymes. And so did Andrew Dice Clay.

GOP Senators vow to push their own health care plan for Americans. Under the GOP plan if you like your doctor, you may caddy for him on Wednesdays. Then the Republicans will introduce a plan to feed the starving children, that is, feed them to the homeless, and kill two birds with one stone.

Nancy Pelosi scheduled a vote Thursday to expand the House Intel Committee’s closed-door impeachment inquiry about Trump’s call to Kiev. We’re in a race to see if Hillary gets indicted for conspiring with Ukraine to frame Trump before Trump gets impeached for asking Ukraine to look into it. Cable news is now the world’s most aggravating reality show, Keeping Up with the Ukrainians.

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