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‘Corn Pop and his gang of thugs’

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Psychology Today published a study which monitored the amount of alcohol that James Bond drinks and how often he drinks during the six decades of Bond movies. The study concluded that he’s an alcoholic. That’s ridiculous, James Bond is 007, and that’s not even drunk by Utah standards.

USA Today reports that Millennial women say they’re delaying marriage due to the scarcity of economically desirable men. The article also cited a study claiming that men, on average, rank humor and intelligence and niceness ahead of physical appearance. This is why porn never caught on.

President Trump denounced Iran for the drone and cruise missile attack on Saudi Arabia’s oil refinery Monday and vowed there’ll be consequences. I feel sorry for former National Security Advisor John Bolton because he got fired just a week before we go to war with Iran. He came so close.

New England Patriots star Antonio Brown had a sensational day Sunday, catching four passes and scoring a touchdown. The next day, two women claimed in the NFL office that he sexually assaulted them. So much for the Harvard study last week that said NFL concussions cause impotence.  

The New York Times corrected a story saying Brett Kavanaugh exposed himself to a woman at a drunken college party 36 years ago. For crying out loud, the kid was a Boy Scout. Brett once poured Dutch beer down a woman’s throat to relieve her choking, using the Heineken Maneuver.

Joe Biden is telling a story on the campaign trail of his heroic teenage years as a lifeguard. He recounts how he stood up to a gang leader named Corn Pop and his gang of thugs. Many doubted the story, but it was confirmed yesterday by two of the other former gang members, Snap and Crackle.

The Democratic candidates fanned out Thursday after the Houston debate. The candidates are so far left, the gay Episcopalian is the conservative. Andrew Yang is giving out $1,000 to people he selects and, unlike Trump, they won’t even have to say that they didn’t have sex with him.

The White House sent a task force to L.A. to devise a way for private enterprise to help with the homeless problem with work programs. Already a homeless man was spotted downtown handing out his resume to people. Recipients received his work history, his salary expectations and Hepatitis A.

Manhattan’s District Attorney subpoenaed President Trump’s tax returns over the last eight years Monday to track down his mistress payments. What Trump needed was someone who could silence the women in his past once and for all. Instead of defeating Hillary, he should have hired her.

Mexico’s government issued a protest over Trump’s new round of wall building that blocks off Mexico’s proposal of a fluid border. It’s like this out here. Mexico was once California’s girlfriend when they were both hot young teenagers but today she’s fat, high and pregnant and wants to move in.

The White House launched a public campaign Wednesday warning of the dangers of vaping nicotine through battery-operated plastic pipes. A ban wouldn’t stop anything. If there is one thing I have learned about Millennials, it’s that they’d unplug my life support to re-charge their Juul.

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