Sandra Bullock won the Oscar for Best Actress

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Sandra Bullock won the Oscar for Best Actress Sunday one day
after she won the Razzie for Worst Actress in another movie. It’s
not new. Last year Toyota won Car of the Year from both Car and
Driver magazine and the Personal Injury Attorneys Guild.

The Hurt Locker won the Oscar for Best Picture over Avatar
Sunday in Hollywood. It wasn’t close. Avatar was a huge hit which
used computer animated characters in the movie and actors would
rather support the Iraq War than vote themselves out of a job.

Raquel Welch was flying to Chicago to do Oprah’s show
Tuesday when her bustier set off the metal detector at the L.A.
airport. The danger was very real. If she opens the cockpit door
wearing that thing, the pilot will do anything she tells him to do.

Tiger Woods reconciled with his wife Elin in Orlando Friday.
He’s amazing. Any guy who can make up with his wife without
getting sued for breach of promise by any one of his fifteen
mistresses has what we call in Los Angeles, good people skills.

Sarah Palin did the Tonight Show in Burbank last week and
then pitched a reality show to ABC about her life in Alaska. The
network turned it down. This is a nation raised on Rocky and
Bullwinkle, we really don’t want to see them in a pot on her stove.

Democratic Congressman Eric Massa said Rahm Emanuel
approached him naked in the House shower and yelled at him to back
health care. What a circus. Ever since Barney Frank took away the
curtains, Democrats have enjoyed the element of surprise in the
House shower.

San Diego cops assisted a Prius driver who was stuck going a
hundred miles an hour Monday. Californians love this car. Not only
can you drive in the carpool lane by yourself in a Prius but you
can go a hundred miles an hour with full immunity.

L.A. Airport installed the first full-body scanners in America
Saturday. This is a pilot program. They want to start the program in
a city where everyone’s bulimic so that the naked bodies on the
demo reel will look good in the congressional hearings.

The White House told staffers Monday to ignore all the press
stories of palace intrigue in the Washington D.C. newspapers. It’s
bad. The president has been spiking everybody’s Diet Cokes with
Flomax but so far it hasn’t stopped the continuous leaking.

President Obama’s haircut was described by hair stylists
Monday as the Caesar Cut. It copies Julius Caesar, who overthrew the
Roman Republic and established a dictatorship. Nobody would have
believed two years ago that by 2012, Dick Cheney would be able to
run for president as the Middle Way between socialism and oil kingdom

The White House haggled with moderate Democrats opposed to
health care reform Monday. It marked the one-year anniversary of the
president’s health care push. A year ago he was promising quality
affordable health care for all Americans, and today he’s promising to
quit smoking eventually and do something about his cholesterol.