Wait, what? I know it’s Christmas time (or whatever giving holiday you are celebrating), but do presents matter in the large scheme of things?
Yep, let me tell you how — and then I’ll do a little grammatical switch up and you’ll realize I haven’t completely lost my mind.
Presents matter because they tell the recipient, “I’ve been paying attention to you. I noticed something that would make you happy and I wanted to give it to you. You matter to me.” Of course that only works if you actually are paying attention and noticing what would make that person happy.
So those last minute presents you pick up in the middle of the aisle at Walmart that are prewrapped, they don’t cut it. Unless your giftee has really been needing a miniature bowling ball and pins or a wooden tray for all of their remotes, just steer clear. The same thing goes for candles and picture frames — picture frames are only special when they include a special picture and you’ll know if your person is a candle lover, they’ll have candles everywhere, otherwise don’t.
Presents can also say, “I want you to remember I love you every time you see this.”
I’ve been giving my son and daughter-in-law an ornament that represents something in our lives over the year past ever since they got married. The first year, it was a Converse type shoe — that’s what they wore when they got married, matching shoes with “bride” and “groom” on the back. (You can say, “awwww” now.) It’s been a book, the year we bought the store; a dragon to represent Webster; and a pizza from the year they surprised me on a really rough mother’s day with a trip to get away for a day and we had amazing pizza for lunch.
The clincher is that I buy myself a matching ornament each year too. If the day should come when we are celebrating Christmases far from each other, I want to hang each one and think about the years and how we spent them making memories. And I want that for them, too.
Presence
OK, time for that grammar switch. Most of the time, it’s not the presents that matter — it’s your presence. For quite a few years now, I’ve been trying to give experiences instead of presents that will just get covered in dust and add to the clutter.
To make those memories, I need to be present in their lives.
The first year I really went all in on this idea, I bought season tickets to the theater in Omaha for the four of us. (We had no Kasey in our lives yet, or I would have bought five.)
I was tired of all of the stuff we had cluttering up our lives and didn’t feel like adding to it. Plus, it was one of the last years I could guarantee we would be together as a family before everyone grew up and went their separate ways. We had to travel to see the shows, so that meant a whole day or even two together as a family. That’s rare when you have teenagers — if you still have littles that are clinging to you every second of every day, trust me, there will come a day when you see them mostly at dinner time.
We saw a hilarious Harry Potter sketch called "Potted Potter" and laughed at the comedy of Wayne Brady. The piece de resistance was "The Lion King" where I splurged for nearly front row seats. Unfortunately we all got sick after that one — for me it was actually during the show, so I didn't enjoy it as much as I'd planned — but we were together making memories. It is still my favorite gift I've ever given.
— Notice that my gift giving style has rubbed off. I have to say, the day that is represented by the pizza ornament was one of the best gifts I have ever received and the only one that has ever made me actually cry.
For my niece and nephew who live nearby, I have given them the gift of a trip to a water park or the dinosaur exhibit. I’d tell you where I’m taking them this year, but it’s a secret. I will say that I’ve decided to do individual days for each this year. I want to be present in their lives. There may come a day, sooner than later as one is now a teenager and the other is close behind, when they need an Aunt Regina that they have a relationship with to ask their questions and tell the things they can’t tell Mom.
I look back on the days when they were little and cuddly and wanted to hang out with me, but while those days are yesterday for me, they are pretty far back when you consider the percentage of their lives that has gone by.
I just got back from a trip to see my Kansas great-nieces and nephew. They aren’t quite old enough to take on outings without parents, but as soon as they are ... For right now, I’ll settle for being the aunt that always brings a book and reads it to them if possible and steals days of babysitting that let me do one of the things I love most — singing babies to sleep.
I don’t know if they’ll remember these days, but I will and I’ll keep adding memories until they are old enough to.
So, make some memories this holiday season. You might not be able to afford season tickets — it was certainly a one-time deal for us — but that doesn’t mean you can’t plan some together time as a gift. Maybe it’s a Christmas eve tradition of going out to look at the lights, maybe a big tub of popcorn and a movie on the couch in matching pajamas, it’s not the “what” that matters, it’s the “who.”
Stuff will be broken by New Year’s or hopelessly obsolete by June. Give yourself instead. Give time. Be present. It matters.