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'What do you get for the guy who’s taken everything?'

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how's everybody?

Charlie Sheen discussed his two years of sobriety with gratitude and humor in an interview on Jay Leno’s Garage Monday. Charlie just celebrated his 54th birthday, but his friends joke it’s a challenge to buy a present for him. I mean, what do you get for the guy who’s taken everything?

NBC’s Lawrence O’Donnell apologized for reporting an untrue story about President Trump and his business loan co-signers. Misinformation is out there everywhere. There was breaking news Tuesday that Hurricane Dorian has completely vanished after reports it had dirt on the Clintons.

Hurricane Dorian rampaged through the Bahamas before stalling off the coast of Florida this week. For four days, cable news coverage was held hostage by a hurricane swirling powerfully just safely offshore and moving northward at only one mile an hour. It’s like being stalked by a snail.

NBC Sports announced Monday that Brett Favre will appear in the studio for NBC’s Sunday Night Football season opener this weekend to promote the Packers-Bear game. Brett is pretty entertaining, but he’ll need at least three more concussions before he’s as funny as Terry Bradshaw.

The Chicago Police reported that the city’s ambulance and emergency rooms had to deal with sixty-six shootings and eight murders over the long Labor Day weekend. The difference between getting shot in Chicago and getting shot in Texas is that if it’s in Texas, at least you’re not in Chicago.

The Hollywood Reporter reported that movie studios will be making more action movies based on real life. At the movies last night, I saw the trailer for Rambo: Last Blood in which Sylvester Stallone mows down twenty bad guys with one squeeze of the trigger. He plays a greeter at WalMart.

WalMart responded to outrage over mass shootings Monday and said they will no longer sell handguns or short-barreled rifles. In addition, WalMart stepped up store security in an anti-gun-environment friendly way. They have replaced all the armed guards with someone old and expendable.

WalMart’s announcement it’ll ban the sale of handguns and short-barreled rifles came just ahead of Congress taking action. The move was good timing. There’s a growing consensus that Americans shouldn’t be allowed to buy assault rifles at the same location they get their meth supplies.

The Los Angeles Dodgers widened their backstop netting to protect wealthy box-seat fans from foul balls. There was no particular fan pressure to put up the netting until the Harvard study came out Friday which stated concussions cause erectile dysfunction. The netting was up the next day.

The Los Angeles Times reported rising concerns among seismologists that L.A. may be due for a large earthquake. Adding to L.A.’s earthquake fears, on Monday a previously hidden line of geological cracks underneath Los Angeles was just discovered. CNN quickly named it Trump’s Fault.

Oklahoma quarterback Jalen Hurts started his bid for a Heisman with a huge opening game Sunday. There are statues of seven OU’s Heisman Trophy winners on campus. However, the first two statues might have to come down because they fought for the South in the College All-Star Game.

The London Sun cited findings by the American Medical Association that two diet sodas a day increase your risk of heart attack or stroke by fifty percent. Some say drinking 14 diet sodas per week subtracts a month from your life. If true, then by my calculation, I died Sept. 3, 1847.

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