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Columnist

‘As seen on COPS’

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The Department of Transportation reported a record-high number of travelers on the road for the long Fourth of July weekend. A lot of us learned a very important lesson on the road. And the lesson we learned is, never check into a motel with a billboard on the roof that says As Seen on COPS.

Prince Charles vowed to keep campaigning against genetically modified food being produced in the Western World. To his dismay a recent report says that lab-grown steaks could soon be on restaurant menus. It’s not to be confused with steaks in Korean restaurants that are made from Labs.

The California Tax and Fee Administration reported that the state had two hundred and forty million dollars in legal marijuana sales in the last year. Legalization still feels weird to us Baby Boomers. For years, you couldn’t smoke pot in West Hollywood because the city is zoned for cocaine.

A Burger King restaurant manager in Pennsylvania Tuesday invented a new sandwich called the Whopperito. The sandwich is a U.S. Grade-A Beef Whopper that’s wrapped inside a flour tortilla burrito. The Secret Service is investigating the Whopperito as an attempt upon President Trump’s life.

The White House dismissed catcalls over Trump’s July Fourth speech when he misstated that the British seized our airports during the American Revolution. Sometimes you just want to hide. It was such an embarrassing gaffe that President Trump’s new Secret Service code name is Joe Biden.

Iran’s government challenged the U.S. Monday, vowing to create more weapons-grade nuclear materials. It doesn’t seem sane for Iran to play nuclear chicken with Donald Trump. If I were an Iranian nothing would scare me like a seventy-three-year-old man who’s willing to die for his country.

Wall Street billionaire Jeffrey Epstein pleaded not guilty in New York federal court Monday to engaging in sex and sex trafficking with minors. The FBI is looking for more underage sex victims of the Epstein case to come forward. They’ve even set up a toll-free number, which is 1-800-CLINTON.

New York federal prosecutors fought bail for Jeffrey Epstein saying he’s a severe flight risk. It so happens that one of Epstein’s private jets is named the Lolita Express. That’s about as stupid as the personalized California license plate I had on my car in the early Eighties, which read I’m Drunk.

The New York Tourism and Convention Bureau reported that a record number of tourists will be visiting Manhattan this summer to see the historic sites, the museums and take in Broadway. The summer heat can be brutal. It’s so hot in New York today that Bill Clinton is sticking to his story,

Al Gore warned that global warming will have worse consequences than he first thought. That must be pretty bad, because he originally said it’d destroy the planet. Al Gore turned seventy-one years old Friday, so it won’t be long before we have to replace him with a renewable source of anxiety.

The Christian Science Monitor reported a fertility study which found that women who attend church regularly have forty percent more babies than women who don’t attend church at all. How nice. After all the stories we hear about gay priests, it’s refreshing to hear one about the straight ones.

The Los Angeles Dodgers may extend the protective screen behind the home plate at Dodger Stadium to the dugouts after receiving the results of a fan survey. The L.A. women said they don’t want balls flying into their faces. They’re there to watch a ball game, not audition for Mr. Weinstein.

Governor Gavin Newsom signed a law providing free health care coverage for illegal aliens in the name of compassion. Sure the health care is free but the rent is three thousand a month for a studio apartment, if you can pass the credit check. In other words this isn’t going to cost us a nickel.

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