Digital Access

Digital Access
Access crestonnews.com from all your digital devices and receive the latest news and updates from around the area.

Home Delivery

Home Delivery
Local news, sports, opinion, community and more!
Columnist

I know you are, but what am I?

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Playboy magazine rated Los Angeles as home to more beautiful women than any city in the United States Friday. The sheer number of them pretty much affects your attitude about everything. On Friday, Southern California was hit by a seven-point quake that easily would have been a ten in the Midwest.

Southern California was struck by an earthquake that measured six and a half points on the Richter Scale Thursday followed by two thousand aftershocks. The next evening a seven-point earthquake struck the high desert north of L.A. The day after that the God Is Dead rally in Hollywood was canceled.

Cal Tech seismologists said two big earthquakes in a row are very rare although damage in L.A. was negligible. That didn’t keep a town full of actors from emoting. Here in West Hollywood, residents surveyed the tipped over water bottles and the Emmys on the floor and vowed that we WILL rebuild.

The Postal Service may put Tiger Woods on a stamp in honor of his career comeback Masters win at Augusta this year. It so happens that Tiger reported last week he just received his Masters trophy in the mail. Not to say that the Postal Service is a little slow but it’s the Masters trophy he won in 2005.

Psychology Today advised parents to keep young kids interacting with other kids. Yesterday while jogging, I saw a dozen kids in a park standing in a circle and screaming, pointing and calling each other racists. One of the mothers shook her head and told me they were playing presidential debates.

Joe Biden told an interviewer Saturday Russian interference in an American election back in 2016 would have never happened on his and Obama’s watch. They were president and vice president that year. Biden stepped in it so badly it looked like he’d spent all day walking through San Francisco.

Disney said the new Little Mermaid will be played by black actress Halle Bailey and will be depicted as black in the cartoon movie. Some whites say it’s an appropriation of Danish culture. If you have a strong opinion over what race a mermaid needs to be, I can only conclude you’ve had sex with a fish.

The Treasury Secretary said Harriet Tubman’s $20 bill will be issued in 2028. She ran the Underground Railroad that smuggled slaves to Canada. With L.A. banning plastic straws, Harriet Tubman’s gonna experience a lot more snow on the $20 than she ever did working on the railroad.

President Trump hosted a combination patriotic fireworks show and military parade on July Fourth at the Lincoln Memorial. The president was heavily criticized for placing tanks on display at the National Mall. The only time tanks should be at the mall is to keep out Kevin Spacey and R. Kelly.

Kevin Spacey reached a settlement with his waiter-groping accuser, allowing the plaintiff’s civil suit to be dropped. However, he faces other charges of sexually assaulting underage males. The controversy not only caused him to lose his TV series, his family edited him out of their home movies.

Ozzy Osbourne banned DonaldTrump from using his music at his rallies Monday. Speaking for both Ozzie and Donald, I can attest you pay a high price for always being entertaining. People always tell me to stop acting like an idiot, and as nicely as possible I try to explain to them that I’m not acting.

President Trump kept his speech at the National Mall non-partisan Thursday before the fireworks show. Democratic candidates are saying Trump’s Fourth of July celebration was just a free ad for his re-election. Many more people are saying the same thing about the first two Democratic debates.

The New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox played a two-game series in London’s Wembley Stadium this last weekend. The players quickly picked up the U.S.-UK language differences. For instance, we say French fries, they say chips, we say subway, they say Underground, we say jail and they say Australia.

Loading more