March 29, 2024

Kindness is the answer

Dan Richards’ mother, Laura Dowda, asks the community to help make kindness towards others to be the legacy her son leaves behind

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Two weeks ago, a 16-year-old Creston Community High School student took his own life. He couldn’t see how much he mattered. His family can only guess at the thoughts and problems that were running through his head.

Dan Richards did not show the traditional signs of a youth in trouble. His mother, Laura Dowda, said he didn’t act out. He wasn’t giving away his possessions. He was planning for his birthday weekend: a fishing trip and dinner at Grandma Max’s — complete with a four pound burger — and a German chocolate cake made by his mother. He was already training for football for next year.

His mother described him as a compassionate young man who never yelled and looked for the good in others.

Dowda described his interactions with gamers as one of the only times he ever raised his voice.

“The interaction, even over the phone,” Dowda said. “That’s the only time you’d hear him raise his voice was if he was watching a football game or playing his games.”

He had a small group of good friends.

Richards was an avid reader and an online gamer. He was rereading “Lord of the Rings,” and his mother said he loved the Eragon series but enjoyed Star Wars, as well.

Dowda described his interactions with gamers as one of the only times he ever raised his voice.

“The interaction, even over the phone,” Dowda said. “That’s the only time you’d hear him raise his voice was if he was watching a football game or playing his games.”

He had a quick wit and comedic timing. He enjoyed YouTube videos including ones about odd facts and dark humor.

He was in the choir and wrote poetry. He liked music from Guns N’ Roses to Pentatonix and music from the Lord of the Rings movies.

Didn’t want to be a bother

Dowda said Richards was the kind of son who didn’t want to bother others with his problems.

His parents, Dowda, father Dan Richards and step-father Benjie Dowda, talked to him about whether or not he was being bullied, but he said he could handle it and shrugged off the questions.

His mother believes he may have been seen as an outsider, partly due to the fact that he came to Creston from Winterset — a football rival.

That attitude, that he could handle his problems on his own, may have been his downfall. According to The American Foundation, a combination of factors can ultimately overwhelm a person’s coping mechanisms.

Talking about the problem can be one of those coping mechanisms. It may be too late for Richards, but Dowda is adamant that if talking about her son and raising awareness saves one life, she will feel that his death was not in vain.

“If this will save one child from doing what my son did, then I feel we’ve accomplished something,” Dowda said.

Dowda’s focus in preventing deaths revolves around bullying, and particularly, cyber bullying. She said that the problem with bullying on the internet and social media is that the victim can keep going back to the hurtful messages, rereading them and dwelling on them.

Rather than having anger at bullies who may have contributed to her son’s depression, Dowda feels compassion for them. She believes that they are not getting the support they need at home and at school. She said if those who are involved in bullying could learn kindness over anger, the world can be changed.

Dowda does not blame the school or the teachers.

“The teachers didn’t see any signs of bullying,” Dowda said. “Social media makes it easier for the kids to hide it.”

The answer

Dowda said the answer to bullying is kindness and connection, such as modelling kindness: extending a hand to someone who is struggling, complementing each other and not hiding behind the anonymity of social media to tear others down.

Connection with others, especially across generations, has been shown to reduce depression rates. The Legacy Project reports that intergenerational contact allows young people a safe place to share feelings and problems they may not want to burden their parents with while simultaneously giving the older generation a purpose and a greater satisfaction with their lives.

Dowda also touted the effects of connections with animals as a coping mechanism. Mental Health America calls this the “pet effect.” Studies have shown that positive interactions with animals can help alleviate stress, anxiety and depression. Another effect is the social side of owning or being with a pet. A pet can facilitate getting to know other people and forming friendships based on a shared love for animals.

Richards’ family said the outpouring of love from the community has been overwhelming and a source of comfort in these difficult times. Their wish is for Richards’ legacy to be a continuation of this love through kindness towards each other.

If you are having thoughts of suicide, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text CONNECT to 741741.