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Columnist

‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink’

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

United Airlines was rated last of all the major U.S. airlines in customer satisfaction in a recent survey that was taken by the marketing firm of J.D. Power and Associates. Yesterday, a graduating college senior was three hours late to his job interview with United Airlines. He was hired on the spot.

Secretary of Energy Rick Perry announced the U.S. is going to compete with Russia in the LNG market and advertise our LNG as Freedom Gas. I can just hear the president’s statement of support. Not only is the U.S. going to market Freedom Gas to the world, he’s going to make Taco Bell pay for it.

President Trump angrily slammed House Democrats Sunday as he departed for London, after House Democrats went on camera and vowed to impeach Trump. Cable news went wild. I’ve seen what cocaine does to people and I’ve seen what fame does to people and I still can’t tell the difference.

President Trump flew to Britain for a state visit and to officiate in the D-Day 75th anniversary ceremony tomorrow. It serves as a lesson. To stop the Allies, Hitler constructed the Atlantic Wall along the French coastline, but this time, we were the Guatemalans and no wall was going to stop us.

President Trump will be giving a speech in Normandy Wednesday to commemorate the Allied forces landings seventy-five years ago. It should be stirring. A leaked copy of Trump’s speech indicates that Trump will say that freedom isn’t free but it does cost a lot less than it did under Obama.

The Denver Post reports that Denver tax revenues climbed after the residents de-criminalized psychedelic mushrooms just a year after legalizing pot. However, drug legalization has cultural boundaries. Utah will never legalize cocaine because Mormons consider it the gateway drug to coffee.

The Justice Department is investigating the president of Honduras because DEA agents think the president has been importing and distributing cocaine. It would explain why Central Americans are able to walk all the way through Mexico to the U.S. border in just two days. It’s a going away gift.

The Golden State Warriors are playing the Toronto Raptors for the NBA championship trophy this week. When I went to school, Oklahoma was a football school and a party school, so we paid no attention to basketball. We were taught you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

The Pentagon revealed the Army is recruiting teen computer whizzes to counter rampant cyber attacks. The underground hacker group Anonymous just successfully hacked the Ku Klux Klan’s Twitter account. The Klan called Anonymous a bunch of cowards who are afraid to show their faces.

National Geographic reports Civil War battlefields are losing appeal to vacationers with each passing year. The schools are trying to shame Southern heritage out of everyone. I wonder how many people who want to get rid of every trace of the Confederacy just happen to drive Volkwagens?

Science Digest said Japanese female sex dolls will soon go on sale in Los Angeles for twenty thousand dollars, but this won’t end well. I swear, every one of the robots will end up feeling they have been used. They’ll think we love them but we’re just using them so we can use the carpool lane.

Prince Harry and Meghan showed up at the Official Registration Office in London to fill out their baby’s birth certificate last week. Meghan listed her occupation as Princess of the United Kingdom and NOT Actress. That way Archie might someday get to join the Los Angeles Country Club.

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