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Columnist

‘Take a trip’

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The Department of Transportation said that a record 37 million Americans traveled by car during Memorial Day weekend. Not out here. Gas is so expensive in L.A. that if you want to take a trip without the kids this summer, the Auto Club is recommending LSD and birth control pills.

The Washington Post reported Memorial Day actually started in Georgia a year after the Civil War as a day to decorate the graves of the Confederate war dead. That war taught us a lesson. It is okay that we’re two separate countries always at war with each other, just don’t officially declare it.

ABC News in Chicago reports 32 people were shot and five killed in Chicago over the Memorial Day weekend. An eleventh person died on Mount Everest, and the 26th horse this year was put down at Santa Anita Racetrack. Oklahoma weather heard all this and said, hold my beer.

The Weather Channel reports the Southwest continued to be battered by deadly tornadoes and resulting rainstorms overflowing rivers and creeks. Economists say flooding in Arkansas, Eastern Oklahoma, and Louisiana over the weekend caused $1 billion in damages. The meth got wet.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell declined to say whether the NFL will punish Robert Kraft for his arrest after having sex with an Asian masseuse. The 78-year-old billionaire has surely learned one valuable lesson from this episode. An erection does not count as personal growth.

Buckingham Palace announced Prince Harry will join President Trump and Queen Elizabeth for lunch next week in London. He and Harry are friends. Naturally Trump’s favorite British monarch was William of Orange, who came over from Holland and introduced spray tan to England.

Oscar-winning actor Jon Voight stood onstage last weekend and declared that Donald Trump was the greatest president of the United States since Abe Lincoln. Of course, you can guess the academic community’s reaction. Historians agreed it was Lincoln’s second-worst night in the theater.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg decided that FB will allow political advertising throughout the 2020 election. This will only make social media more of a minefield of contention. In today’s world, you can post a photo of your favorite potato salad, and some people will question your politics.

Japanese newspapers report a five-point earthquake struck Tokyo less than one minute before Trump touched down in Tokyo aboard Air Force One. The Japanese were so relieved to see it was Trump in the plane. For a few seconds, they thought Harry Truman was dropping in on them again.

SAT officials will add a test section to assess a student’s past hardships that would curve their scores upwards. They say the children of wealthy alums of elite colleges get preferential entrance treatment. For instance because George W. Bush was a legacy, he didn’t have to apply to get into Iraq.

Tory Stalwart Boris Johnson emerged as the betting favorite to become England’s next prime minister Friday. He’s the one most like Trump and Trump likes him. It appears the United States cannot have a flamboyant leader with crazy blonde hair, unless we’ve brought enough for everybody.

The Wall Street Journal reports the formation of capital investment funds like Alternative Harvest to allow people to invest in the legal weed businesses. Pot proliferation has had a profound effect on society. Murders in Detroit have been reduced to pretty much anybody within range of your couch.

Walmart stock has been taking a hit due to the investor nervousness over Chinese tariffs plus Amazon competition. Their enormous floor space is legendary. Young people won’t believe this, but there was a time before smart phones that if you lost somebody at Walmart, they were just gone.

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