Digital Access

Digital Access
Access from all your digital devices and receive the latest news and updates from around the area.

Home Delivery

Home Delivery
Local news, sports, opinion, community and more!

Kids say the darnedest things

Like many parents out there, I have heard my children say utter phrases that made me do a double-take, blush or shake my head vigorously.

When Maisy and Wyatt were little, I became accustomed to the (shall we say enlightening?) conversations I would stumble across. So much so, that I started making a list. Partially because the things they said were too hilarious to not keep forever, and also because this is perfect HS graduation memorabilia.

For the purpose of this document, I will be labeling the “Things my children have said” list by their first initials. M for Maisy, W for Wyatt, J for James Henry, and V for Violet.

Without further ado, “Things my children have said” – 2019 edition:

W : We’re just going to have to cut it off.

J: I can’t be a vampire, I feel like that’s a lot of slurping, and that sound drives me nuts.

V: Mom doesn’t have to know.

M: It’s not permanent for real permanent, it’s just kind of permanent.

W: I may have super-glued my finger to my butt.

J: Is Winnie the Pooh real? Because he’s not wearing pants.

M: Wyatt, did mom tell you yet that you’re adopted? 
W: Yeah, right. Whatever. I’m not adopted. You are. 
M: Um. I look just like mom. Who do you look just like?
W: Iron Man. 
M: ?
W: That’s right. Iron Man. Mom used to date hot guys.

J: Mama, are there such things as giant robots?
Me: Well, yes. 
J: Oh. Well. I don’t want one to kill me.

W: Mom. I feel so sorry for mom. She has to live with Violet and Dad.

W: Is there anyway we could get someone to come over and just take the demon out of Violet? Can we hire an exorcist?

M: WHO HAS BEEN IN MY MONEY AGAIN!? (three small children slink off...)

V: @*()()*E@&*()$&*)(&*)#&*!!!!! (lots of cussing from that one when she was little.

J: If a giant robot does kill me, do you think I will come back to life as a tractor? 

W: What do you guys want to do today? I think we should blow stuff up.

M: I HATE MOM! I wish she were dead ... I’m hungry ... Mom! Could you make me a snack?

W: Well, there are levels of clean. Are we talking super clean, kinda clean or hide everything under the bed clean?

W: I’m kinda afraid to sleep in my bed ... I live in fear of the mess that’s under there. 

J: Mom is going to die someday, and I’m her favorite so she will leave me everything.

V: Let’s not tell her. If we don’t say anything and act natural, she’ll never know.

M: I’m not kidding. You’re adopted. Mom won’t tell you because she knows you’re tender-hearted.

J: Alright. You can launch me.

M: You have to say the same story as me or she’ll know it’s a lie!

W: Crawl in that suitcase for a minute. I want to see how much you weigh ... shipping and handling purposes.

J: Okay. I’ll get in the box.

M: I can’t believe I got him to eat that!

W: First of all, I know how to build a bomb correctly, I’ve learned a lot since last time.

J: I swear, if you snipe me from the roof again, I’m going to break your PS4.

V: Okay. I hid the evidence.

W: Yeah, love is a heavy thing. Anyway, could you hold the lighter for me?

M: When mom said, “Don’t touch this,” do you think it was more of like a suggestion or a rule?

V: Play with me or I’m telling mom what you did to her jewelry box.

J: I’ve been taking all the candy from the car. Don’t tell. I want dad to think he has a candy addiction and can’t handle himself.

W: To be clear, I know what I’m doing. Last time was just random.

M: I’m mom’s favorite, she told me. W: Mom told me I was her favorite. J: No, mom told ME I was her favorite. V: Pretty sure I’m mom’s favorite. I’ve never been told, but, like, I get away with murder all the time.

J: Just walk in with a smile, and mom will let you have anything you want.

W: Hey. Don’t go in the garage right now. It’s not a thing, but it’s a thing. Okay, got it? Cool.

And the last most horrific thing I have ever heard as a parent:

W: I will give you ANYTHING you want, as long as you DON’T TELL MOM.

Having been a mother for 17 years, I always think I’m prepared for the things I overhear, but sometimes they throw me for a loop.

Good thing they keep me laughing.

Loading more