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Kids say the darnedest things

Like many parents out there, I have heard my children say utter phrases that made me do a double-take, blush or shake my head vigorously.

When Maisy and Wyatt were little, I became accustomed to the (shall we say enlightening?) conversations I would stumble across. So much so, that I started making a list. Partially because the things they said were too hilarious to not keep forever, and also because this is perfect HS graduation memorabilia.

For the purpose of this document, I will be labeling the “Things my children have said” list by their first initials. M for Maisy, W for Wyatt, J for James Henry, and V for Violet.

Without further ado, “Things my children have said” – 2019 edition:

W : We’re just going to have to cut it off.

J: I can’t be a vampire, I feel like that’s a lot of slurping, and that sound drives me nuts.

V: Mom doesn’t have to know.

M: It’s not permanent for real permanent, it’s just kind of permanent.

W: I may have super-glued my finger to my butt.

J: Is Winnie the Pooh real? Because he’s not wearing pants.

M: Wyatt, did mom tell you yet that you’re adopted? 
W: Yeah, right. Whatever. I’m not adopted. You are. 
M: Um. I look just like mom. Who do you look just like?
W: Iron Man. 
M: ?
W: That’s right. Iron Man. Mom used to date hot guys.

J: Mama, are there such things as giant robots?
Me: Well, yes. 
J: Oh. Well. I don’t want one to kill me.

W: Mom. I feel so sorry for mom. She has to live with Violet and Dad.

W: Is there anyway we could get someone to come over and just take the demon out of Violet? Can we hire an exorcist?

M: WHO HAS BEEN IN MY MONEY AGAIN!? (three small children slink off...)

V: @*()()*E@&*()$&*)(&*)#&*!!!!! (lots of cussing from that one when she was little.

J: If a giant robot does kill me, do you think I will come back to life as a tractor? 

W: What do you guys want to do today? I think we should blow stuff up.

M: I HATE MOM! I wish she were dead ... I’m hungry ... Mom! Could you make me a snack?

W: Well, there are levels of clean. Are we talking super clean, kinda clean or hide everything under the bed clean?

W: I’m kinda afraid to sleep in my bed ... I live in fear of the mess that’s under there. 

J: Mom is going to die someday, and I’m her favorite so she will leave me everything.

V: Let’s not tell her. If we don’t say anything and act natural, she’ll never know.

M: I’m not kidding. You’re adopted. Mom won’t tell you because she knows you’re tender-hearted.

J: Alright. You can launch me.

M: You have to say the same story as me or she’ll know it’s a lie!

W: Crawl in that suitcase for a minute. I want to see how much you weigh ... shipping and handling purposes.

J: Okay. I’ll get in the box.

M: I can’t believe I got him to eat that!

W: First of all, I know how to build a bomb correctly, I’ve learned a lot since last time.

J: I swear, if you snipe me from the roof again, I’m going to break your PS4.

V: Okay. I hid the evidence.

W: Yeah, love is a heavy thing. Anyway, could you hold the lighter for me?

M: When mom said, “Don’t touch this,” do you think it was more of like a suggestion or a rule?

V: Play with me or I’m telling mom what you did to her jewelry box.

J: I’ve been taking all the candy from the car. Don’t tell. I want dad to think he has a candy addiction and can’t handle himself.

W: To be clear, I know what I’m doing. Last time was just random.

M: I’m mom’s favorite, she told me. W: Mom told me I was her favorite. J: No, mom told ME I was her favorite. V: Pretty sure I’m mom’s favorite. I’ve never been told, but, like, I get away with murder all the time.

J: Just walk in with a smile, and mom will let you have anything you want.

W: Hey. Don’t go in the garage right now. It’s not a thing, but it’s a thing. Okay, got it? Cool.

And the last most horrific thing I have ever heard as a parent:

W: I will give you ANYTHING you want, as long as you DON’T TELL MOM.

Having been a mother for 17 years, I always think I’m prepared for the things I overhear, but sometimes they throw me for a loop.

Good thing they keep me laughing.

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