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Argus Hamilton

Battle of the babies

OKLAHOMA CITY – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

St. Luke’s Methodist Church in OKC will host a fundraiser where I’ll perform Thursday for the First Step rehab. The trip is an annual ritual. I was too young to risk my life for my country fighting in Vietnam, so to make up for it, once a year, I fly back to Oklahoma during tornado season.

Churchill Downs stood behind the decision to disqualify the Kentucky Derby winner and hand it to the runner-up. It ruined any chance of a Triple Crown winner this year. The Kentucky Derby is an annual race to see which three-year-old horse finishes up Win, Place, Show or 7-Eleven hot dog.

Buckingham Palace announced the news that Prince Harry and Meghan welcomed a healthy boy into the world in a London hospital. Minutes later, President Trump ordered the Abraham Lincoln aircraft carrier group to confront Iran. Trump can’t stand it when another baby gets all the attention.

President Trump awarded Tiger Woods the Medal of Freedom at a White House ceremony in the Rose Garden Monday. We’re witnessing a miracle. After all the setbacks, mistress revelations, public condemnation and terrible golf play, nobody thought Trump would still be at the White House.

Trump read the citation for Tiger’s Medal of Freedom then stepped behind him and fastened the blue ribbon holding the medal around Tiger’s neck. You know the rest. For the next two days CNN demanded to know why it’s taking Trump so long to deny that he tried to strangle Tiger Woods.

President Trump was blistered by critics Monday for honoring Tiger Woods with the Medal of Freedom because they jointly own a Dubai golf club. They last played golf together on Christmas in Palm Beach. The difference between Trump, Tiger and Santa Claus is, Santa stopped after three Ho’s.

The London Telegraph reported British marine biologists have discovered that the shrimp off the coast of England are all laced with cocaine. Just watching the movie Jaws with the cocaine-filled shrimp in mind makes it a whole new story. Think about it, the shark is now Scarfish of the Sea.

Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden spent all weekend campaigning in the industrial Midwestern states and Pennsylvania. Sunday Biden told a crowd Margaret Thatcher called him to express her doubts about Trump. Then Joe said when he wins, Elvis will perform at the Inauguration.

National Geographic quoted scientists in Europe Monday who issued a dire warning as to the effects of climate change. The scientists said climate change is threatening the extinction of nearly a million species. Fortunately for Americans, none of them are McNuggets-producing species.

The Honolulu Advertiser reports that a woman who survived the mass shooting in Las Vegas two years ago was thrown out of her kayak into the ocean and attacked by a shark off Hawaii. She required 70 stitches and fifty staples in her leg. Experts agree that her guardian angel sucks.

Homeland Security announced that ICE agents will begin staging raids on 7-Elevens around the country looking for illegal aliens behind the counter. They’re not the threat. If federal agents are going to swarm 7-Eleven stores searching for the Undocumented, they should start with the food.

The Sacramento Bee reports Oregon is producing far more marijuana than it can legally sell to consumers. Officials revealed they have a one-million pound surplus of pot in Oregon. In the wake of this news, the demand by NBA players to be traded to the Portland Trail Blazers is sky high.

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