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A nightmare on Elm Street

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

President Trump raised $4 million at a fundraiser Friday in a Beverly Hills home at Sunset and Elm . It so happens Elm Street is where the Menendez brothers murdered their parents and also the street where Freddy Kruger lived. So this is third Nightmare on Elm Street in 30 years.

The Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip in West Hollywood will remember the great Mitzi Shore who died a year ago. She invented the all stand-up comedy show. If Jesus Christ showed up at the Comedy Store and auditioned for Mitzi, she’d tell him that the Magic Castle is on Franklin Avenue. 

The Weather Channel reported unusually beautiful weather in the Midwest this week after the region had suffered through a brutal winter full of vortexes. People happily felt like a siege had been lifted. It was so warm in Chicago Monday that Jussie Smollett was attacked by the Easter Bunny.

Chicago’s first warm weekend in five months kept police and ER crews busy Sunday. It set off a street violence spree in which twenty-eight people were shot and wounded. Of course this is just spring training, so the shooters don’t start hitting the bulls-eye till June or July, it’s just like baseball.

Market Watch warned Americans that Social Security won’t meet a retiree’s expenses in thirty years and that supplemental income is a must. Last week, an 80-year-old-woman was arrested for prostitution in Pittsburgh. She was listed in the Yellow pages under The Oldest Trick in the Book.

Attorney General William Barr told Democrats Monday they can’t view grand jury testimony or state secrets contained in the Mueller Report. You can see the redactions coming. The Mueller Report is going to be so blacked out that it could run for governor of Virginia as a Democrat and win.

Congresswoman Ilhan Omar went on TV and insulted President Trump’s advisor on illegal immigration, Stephen Miller, calling him a White Nationalist. Is this a great country or what? Where else in the world but in America can a Muslim call a Jew a Nazi and it not be meant as a compliment.

The U.S. Postal service unveiled a commemorative postage stamp honoring the late George HW Bush that’ll go on sale in June. It should be very popular on letters that are mailed in the Middle East. Once the stamp has been canceled on the envelope, the Iraqis will have Bush behind bars at last.

President Trump surveyed the Mexican border south of San Diego Friday and revealed that he won’t attend the annual White House Correspondents Dinner at the Hilton. The ballroom will be filled with White House reporters, mainstream media and cable news hosts. He’s safer in Vietnam.

The Kremlin warned the U.S. against taking any action in Venezuela, saying the U.S. is not the world’s policeman. The facts say otherwise. The same day that Russia declared that the U.S. is no longer the world’s policeman, a survey came out indicating that Americans eat the most donuts.

NASA was handed a study which says a self-driving space vehicle may someday save the Earth from a collision with a doomsday asteroid. It’s a piece of cake. The self-driving space vehicle would use Uber technology to get to the asteroid and Tesla technology to catch fire and crash into it.

NASA sent back to Earth photos from the International Space Station of space walks. Recent lunar photos show that all the U.S. flags that American astronauts once planted on the moon have been bleached completely white by the radiation. This makes the moon an official province of France.

The National Enquirer ran a crazy headline saying Queen Elizabeth is dying in Buckingham Palace this week due to her bruised wrist. I do worry about her like we all do. Prince Philip just gave up his driver’s license and now I don’t who is going to drive Queen Elizabeth to the Dollar Store.

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