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Columnist

‘Walk the plank’

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The Virginia Cavaliers won the NCAA title Monday in overtime over Texas Tech. However, as a descendant of real Cavaliers, I’m glad we finally got serious and turned things around. After losing to Oliver Cromwell, George Washington and Ulysses S. Grant, we weren’t about to lose to Texas Tech.

The Weather Channel reported Monday that beautiful spring weather with warm temperatures broke out across the Middle West after months of record cold winter. New high temperature records were set across the country. It was so warm in Chicago that R. Kelly was peeing in the swimming pool.

Billboard Magazine reported that Ozzie Osborne has been forced to postpone his spring and summer rock tour while he recuperates from a nasty fall. His bones are pretty brittle by now. His doctor is recommending that he switch to eating a bat onstage that’s higher in calcium and Vitamin D.

The New York Post reports drug company Apotex Corp. recalled all its birth control pills nationwide due to a packaging error. The pills may not work because they are contained in defective blisters and incorrectly sorted. A few minutes after the news broke, Maury was renewed for another season. 

Barack Obama urged Democratic candidates to appeal to independent Middle America voters if they want to win the general election. One guy took his advice. Within hours after Obama urged the Democrats to move to the center, Joe Biden started kissing women in the small of the back.

President Trump raised millions for his re-election campaign at a fundraiser in a Beverly Hills home Friday. A few of the ticket packages carried a ticket price in the hundreds of thousands of dollars. Many parents had to choose between attending the fundraiser and sending their kids to USC.

President Trump ordered Homeland Security chief Kirstjen Nielsen to walk the plank Monday as another Trump administration official bit the dust. There are two cabinet members left not fired and the country is running like a top. Everyone agrees this is the best season of the Apprentice EVER.

Kirstjen Nielsen praised President Trump for his efforts to secure the border after he fired her Monday. The president’s luck continues to hold out. After appointing a Swedish blonde to be in charge of keeping Latin Americans out of the country, it’s amazing we’re not at war with Los Angeles.

U.S. troops laid out concertina wire to slow the flood of illegal aliens scaling U.S. border fences in California. Coincidentally, the National Steeplechase season just opened in South Carolina. So if you think Guatemalans are insane to scale high fences, Southern white guys do it on horseback.  

President Trump accused Democrats of being in favor of open borders Monday as he stepped up his Twitter war with liberals who block money to build the border wall. What I like about Trump is his willingness to shoot straight from the hip. It’s an inspiration to arthritis sufferers everywhere.

Democratic candidate Mayor Pete Buttigieg ripped Mike Pence for his views on gay marriage Sunday, claiming the VP is homophobic. Four years ago Pence said he holds Pete in high regard when he came out of the closet. Pete’s a fellow Episcopalian, and we hate the sin but love the shoes. 

Afghan president Ashraf Ghani assembled a council to talk peace with the Taliban according to a Voice of America Radio broadcast. However, in Kabul a young woman staged a suicide bombing attack Sunday. It’s not that she wanted to die for Allah, she was just sick of listening to One Direction.

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