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Argus Hamilton

Drink or drown

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The New York Post reports the U.S. Customs Service intercepted a shipment of 3,000 pounds of cocaine at the Port of New York. The agents said the seizure was worth $80 million. That’s news, from my generation’s experience, the seizures come when the drugs get through.

A Phoenix grandma visiting the zoo saved a woman from the clutches of a Jaguar with which she’d tried to take a selfie. She hurled a water bottle at the cat and then pulled the woman to safety. The next day, CNN reported that a white woman attacked an African immigrant and stole his lunch.

The National Weather Service reports that California set a record this year for most rainfall in February. It’s a general rule that water solves ALL problems. If you want to lose weight — drink water, if you want to clear up your complexion — drink water, if you’re tired of someone — drown them.

Seattle police found a man dead in the Columbia River wearing fishnet stockings, an R. Kelly t-shirt, a red garter belt, with a cucumber inside his rectum. Cops removed the R. Kelly t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. Despite what many people think, the police do care.

The Wall Street Journal reports that Telsa investors sued the company’s founder Elon Musk for texting statements that could harm the company and crash the stock prices. How harmful are Elon’s texts? Even President Trump is saying that this guy needs to have his cell phone taken away.

The White House released President Trump’s proposed budget to Congress that reduces some safety net spending but increases military and border security. The president’s budget calls for a border wall as well as a Space Force. So he’s going after all aliens no matter where they come from.

Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez spoke to a South-by-Southwest gathering in Austin on Sunday. She preached the glories of socialism. The young crowd gave her a standing ovation, the mainstream media gave her glowing reviews, and Venezuela went dark for five days in her honor.

The Iowa polls have Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders with a big lead over the other Democratic candidates. Their dominance would give Democrats three choices. It’s between a socialist who admired the Soviet Union, a backer of school segregation in Maryland in the 70s, and Just Shoot Me.

Bernie Sanders flew to Iowa to start campaigning Thursday and he vowed he will re-make the United States of America. Bernie has the full backing of the entertainment community. Of course, Hollywood thinks socialism means that everybody in the bathroom has to share their cocaine with you.

The U.S. launched a hunt for Al Qaeda’s new leader, Osama bin Laden’s son Hamza. Here we go again. To track down his father, the U.S. and Britain launched two wars, spent 12 years, a $3 trillion, deployed the CIA, MI-6 and satellite technology before we finally found Osama, in his house.

The New York Daily News reported Monday New York’s Gambino family crime boss Carmine the Snake Persico passed away in prison at the age of 85. He ran much of New York’s organized crime from his prison cell. In lieu of flowers the family asks that you whack John Gotti, Jr.

USA Today published an article listing twenty-seven big U.S. corporations that paid no income taxes last year. They include United, General Motors and Amazon. If you are a billionaire or if you are a large corporation in America, it now looks like the only things certain are Death and Death.

Business Insider published an article wondering why ESPN is not discussing the steep decline in the NBA’s TV ratings this year. For one thing, the stars aren’t producing and for another, team defense has just been terrible. For crying out loud, Khloe Kardashian scouts NBA players more than most teams.

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