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Argus Hamilton

A tale of two captains

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Marvel Comics celebrated being rated the world’s top-selling comic books by announcing they have created their first Asian super-hero ever named Captain China. He’s bound to be hugely popular. Captain China’s superpower is that he’s able to loan trillions of dollars to Captain America.

The White House disclosed Monday that President Trump donated his one hundred thousand dollar third-quarter salary to the National Council on Alcoholism. I had a rollicking relationship with the disease for the first half of my life. Alcohol is not the answer, but it was always my first guess.

The Weather Channel reports the Midwest is under siege from a brutal Polar Vortex. They’re getting the lowest temperatures ever recorded. It’s so cold outside in Chicago that homeless people told reporters that their urine is freezing before it hits the ground, just adding to R. Kelly’s problems.

Pizza Hut is bringing Abe Lincoln back to life for their Super Bowl ad promoting a five-dollar special. History is full of ironies. I’m not putting on a tinfoil hat here, but one week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland, and a week before JFK was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Brooklyn federal prosecutors rested their case against Mexico’s famed cocaine trafficker Juan El Chapo Guzman. After a brief defense, the case went to the jury Tuesday. I hope wherever they send El Chapo to prison that the prison is near a coal mine so we can at least reuse his escape tunnel.

The Little Rock Democrat Gazette reports that a high school student in Arkansas was suspended this week for wearing a hoodie that was emblazoned with the Confederate flag. I can understand the kid’s excuse. He’d gotten the word that the heat’s on this week for teenagers wearing MAGA hats.

Venezuela’s collapse this week proves socialism can’t please everybody. Cocaine is two dollars a gram and hookers are ten dollars a pop, yet people are still rioting in the streets. If they tried that economy here, everybody in Hollywood would be in the Academy Awards’ Who Died This Year video.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi finally sent a letter to President Trump Monday inviting him to give his State of the Union speech to Congress next Tuesday now that the government’s been re-opened. Trump opened the government for just three weeks. The fourth week must be when he gets his period.

Sports Illustrated published a poll showing that Los Angeles people are the least involved with our NFL teams of any other city in America. We pick and choose our causes here. Now that the Los Angeles teachers’ strike is over we can all go back to honking our horns at the idiot in front of us.

West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin said Friday he’s making plans to run for the Democratic presidential nomination. The only thing that could make this election any scarier to people in Beverly Hills is hearing that someone from the Manchin Family is running. Ask anybody in Benedict Canyon.

The Tri-Delts at OU must answer after a member was taped in blackface using the N-word. It follows the SAEs getting kicked off campus for singing the word. Perhaps the Greek Houses at OU should just trademark themselves as rap groups so they can use the N-word with diplomatic immunity.

Starbucks founder Howard Schultz told CBS’ 60 minutes Sunday he’s planning to run for the White House as an Independent, prompting President Trump to tweet that Schultz doesn’t have the guts to be president. I’m not sure. Any guy with the guts to charge you eight dollars for a cup of coffee won’t think twice when asked to pay six hundred dollars for a screw to a defense contractor.

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