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Argus Hamilton

‘The real money’s in alcoholism’

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The Blood Moon Lunar Eclipse was viewed with varying degrees of success Monday night. In Florida, a cop accidentally ran over a couple that laid down on the road to get a good view of the eclipse. You can just see the lady saying to her boyfriend, Honey look how fast that Eclipse is coming.

The Weather Channel reported a deep freeze swept the Eastern Seaboard last weekend while Southern California was battered by high winds barreling down from Alaska. On Monday it was so windy in Los Angeles that R. Kelly peed on himself. He couldn’t hit a teenager from three feet.

President Trump invited kids from a Kentucky high school to the White House after they were harassed at the National Mall by black activists and also confronted by an Indian protestor who banged a drum in the kids’ faces. It was all on camera. Native tribes were quick to point out that he’s not their regular drummer.

President Trump demanded the Baseball Writers of America elect Red Sox pitching hero Curt Schilling to the Hall of Fame Tuesday. He’s an outspoken conservative. The World Series champion Red Sox will visit the White House next month even though there are plenty of McDonald’s in Boston.

CBS began selling TV advertising time for the Super Bowl in Atlanta next Sunday and reports say the network is charging five million dollars for a one-minute commercial. The NFL did refuse to air an ad for medical marijuana. You can see the league’s thinking, the real money’s in alcoholism.

The Times of London says that the water treatment plants in London are unable to filter out the cocaine from the city’s used water. It’s affecting all the eels in the River Thames. Marine biologists fear that cocaine-addicted bottom feeders could lead to an epidemic of new talent agencies

Mexico’s Minister of the Interior reported Monday that Mexico had a record-high thirty-three thousand murders in the past year. Much of that number is tied directly to the violence between drug traffickers. I’m starting to think the migrant caravans won’t feel safe until they get to Chicago.

U.S. News and World Report cited a report showing that membership in labor unions across the U.S. last year fell to an all-time low of the workforce percentage. Unions have virtually vanished from the public stage. A recent poll says that most Americans think the AFL-CIO is a football league.

California Senator and former state Attorney General Kamala Harris announced for president Monday. Her views and her past work appeals to both Democrats and Republicans. Democrats love her ideals as a progressive black woman, and she’s locked up more black men than Lincoln freed.

Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez ripped capitalism Monday, demanding a socialist U.S. society. She’ll mellow out with age, we all do. If MLK were alive today he’d be ninety years old, and his dream would be that he could sleep without having to get up and pee three times a night.

The American Society of Plastic Surgeons Friday reported performing a record-high number of cosmetic surgeries in the U.S. last year including stomach tucks, butt and breast implants, and nose jobs. In Beverly Hills we even have a drive-through plastic surgery clinic. It’s called Jiffy Boob.

The National Institute of Health issued a study Thursday to be used as a source for the White House’s war on drugs. It says the most addictive drugs in order are heroin, cocaine, nicotine, barbiturates and alcohol. I can boast I was addicted to 3 of these 5 and hell, Ty Cobb never hit

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