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Argus Hamilton

A challenge fit for a prince

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The New England Patriots will play the Los Angeles Rams in the Super Bowl in a match-up of major TV market teams. It’s been a while for L.A. The last time the city of Los Angeles was involved in an NFL game this huge, Johnnie Cochran defeated Marcia Clark by a score of twelve to nothing.

The Los Angeles Rams beat the New Orleans Saints in the New Orleans Superdome Sunday to capture the National Football Conference championship. The team is still developing a fan base. Millennials went wild in Los Angeles Sunday night as the word spread we’re going to the Super Bong.

Sony Music broke off with rapper R. Kelly amid more charges by women who say he recruited them into his sex cult when they were underage. Last night I saw a documentary about R. Kelly. It covers Kelly’s entire life, from his days on the playground all the way to his days on the playground.

Men’s Health reported that Baby Boomers can enjoy an extremely long lifespan with the right diet and exercise regimen. On Saturday, the AP reported that the oldest man in the world died at the age of one hundred and thirteen in Japan. Police say he was driving his Toyota without a seatbelt.

Prince Philip walked away unharmed Thursday when the ninety-seven-year-old royal smashed into two cars while pulling onto a highway from his castle driveway. The prince was fine even though his Land Rover flipped over twice. He has, however, sworn off the Bird Box Challenge for good.

President Trump’s defense lawyer Rudy Giuliani went on Sunday talk shows and said so what if Trump talked to Cohen about his testimony. Last week Rudy said collusion is no crime. It looks like the surest way to make sure Mexican drug lord El Chapo is convicted is to have Giuliani defend him.

Brooklyn U.S. courthouse heard testimony in the El Chapo trial Friday that the drug lord paid three Mexican presidents hundreds of millions for protection. Here’s an idea that could end the shutdown. How about we just fine El Chapo enough to build the wall and Mexico will have paid for it.

The Washington Post reports that many shutdown U.S. government workers are hocking their belongings. The U.S. budget surplus should be huge this April now that everyone Trump hasn’t fired is now furloughed. Look, you either want an authentic capitalist in the Oval Office or you don’t.

Senator Kirsten Gillibrand became the next Democrat to announce for president Friday. There must be two dozen candidates on the tote board by now. In future weeks, a News Alert will be issued by the cable networks any time a Democrat announces he or she is NOT running for president.

CBS former CEO Les Moonves is contesting the company withholding his one hundred twenty million dollar severance. CBS claims Moonves had an employee in the office whose job was to give him oral sex. There’s no record of the employee’s job performance on Yelp, but she got five stars on Gulp.

Moscow skies darkened ominously last week where many Russians saw what they believed was a giant UFO. Why on earth there? If the space aliens want to collect well-preserved human specimens they should land in California where the human body content is sixty percent bottled water.

The N.Y. Times reports Amazon is now doing huge business providing customer buying patterns to advertisers. They know what people buy. With his anniversary approaching, President Trump in a rare moment of tenderness, discussed the first time he ever saw Melania, and clicked Add to Cart.

The N.Y. Post said Jeff Bezos’s amour Lauren Sanchez was engaged or married four times. He threw away half the largest fortune in history to go chasing after her. Jeff Bezos proved for all of us that one hundred forty billion dollars doesn’t eliminate your character defects, it underlines them.

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