March 28, 2024

Let’s talk

Sometimes it’s that thing you’ve been avoiding that could bring the most peace – having a difficult conversation.

Think of a person who is important to you that you might be avoiding having a tough conversation with. For some, this person is a spouse, parent, child, partner or a colleague. It doesn’t matter who it is, but the longer you wait to have the conversation, the more difficult it becomes.

For the most part, I tend to avoid difficult conversations. However, over the years, I’ve had my share. As I reflect on the times I’ve avoided them, I think about the relationships I could have salvaged or the tumultuous ones I could have severed sooner.

But, as the old adage goes – hindsight is 20/20.

As I dive head first into a new relationship and a new leadership position, what I am ultimately learning is this – the most difficult things to say are the most important. They bring the most peace and perspective. In my experience, they take us to new levels of mutual understanding, respect and trust.

These conversations are the game changers. They produce the most personal and professional growth. So why do we avoid having them?

Fear

For me, I’ve avoided difficult conversations because I’m afraid of feeling attacked.

An analogy I can relate to is what Douglas Stone describes in his book, “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most.” In his book, Stone describes the feeling of suddenly seeing a shark come into view while scuba diving and compares it to the feeling of facing a difficult conversation.

When I started training for my first triathlon in 2008, I can recall the feeling I had when I saw my first shark (actually there were hundreds of them). I was terrified! During those mile-long swims from La Jolla Shores to La Jolla Cove, my heart raced, I’d shut my eyes and swim as though my life depended on it.

But, as time went on, Gurujan Dourson, my coach, taught me a bit about leopard sharks (and assured me they don’t bite too hard). As I became educated about these creatures swimming in the depths below me, my fear dissipated and I became curious. I felt a new sense of comfort and became more confident. I trusted that all would be OK. I felt my relationship with the ocean change. I started dreaming bigger dreams – of distance swimming across channels and free-diving.

Even though I never fulfilled these ambitious dreams, I had a momentous change in what Gurujan called “stinky thinky.” I approached those dark, deep waters with a new outlook. I learned, over time, those sharks and I were actually scared of each other and we eventually learned to coexist.

I think fear of the unknown is a perfectly normal feeling. But in order to overcome the fear, I had to first understand.

It was my literal experience of swimming with sharks which allowed me to reevaluate how I interacted with difficult people and to have those difficult conversations.

Understanding

Difficult conversations are never about getting facts right. They are difficult because they are entirely about feelings. We feel differently, because we have conflicting perceptions, interpretations, values and experiences.

Because of this, I’m often afraid of being misunderstood. I have a fear of creating more conflict by saying the wrong thing, or something I’ll later regret. Maybe I’ll say too much, or not enough. And, if you’ve ever experienced someone flat-out walk away because the conversation is too tough or too painful, you know this fear. And, in my opinion, there is nothing that screams, “I don’t care” or “I don’t respect you” as loudly as the act of walking away from a difficult conversation.

However, when I approach hard conversations from a place of love, I find myself seeking to understand. When I seek to understand, I listen. I put the other first. I ask for clarification. I talk about how I feel, and not what ‘you’ did (unless it’s to explain what you did and how it made me feel). I want to have the hard conversations because that’s how our connection deepens. It’s how we build trust. That’s how people fall in love.

Tough stuff

I know expressing honesty, emotions and personal convictions are difficult. It can be downright painful and make us physically ill.  Sometimes, having a difficult conversation means calling someone out. It can feel lonely, but it can also feel liberating.

Difficult conversations are tough, because we were never really taught how to have them.

If you’re like some people, you didn’t go to some special school to learn how to really communicate. We were taught how to organize our thoughts and to deliver them in front of a crowd. The focus was never on real tools, such as active listening or studying non-verbal ques, or how to give affirmation and constructive feedback.

At home, the message for many of us was to toughen up and suck it up, because the world is cruel and life isn’t fair – so pull up those boot straps.

When it comes to difficult conversations, have them. There is an art to it, and it takes courage, skill and practice, but the benefits are amazing.