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Argus Hamilton

Arizona: the Vegetative State

HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The Los Angeles Tourism Bureau reported a record number of visitors to Southern California in this past year from countries all over the world. This is the time when the snowbirds arrive in town. This month there are so many Canadians in Los Angeles it hardly feels like Mexico anymore.

The Census Bureau reported the U.S. had a stagnant birth rate for the ninth straight year and blamed it on young people shunning parenthood. Yet the AP reports last week that a woman who’s been living in a vegetative state for the last fourteen years gave birth. That vegetative state is Arizona.

The Hollywood Reporter says TV ratings were way down for the Hollywood awards shows last year. The Golden Globe Awards are followed by the Academy Awards, later followed by the Emmy Awards. If you watch all three, that’s up to ten hours of lectures that can be applied to college credits.

President Trump’s staff is now preparing his State of the Union speech this month to a hostile majority of Democrats in the U.S. Capitol. It’s a given that he will be safe in the House Chamber. The Democrats would never shoot Trump because then they would have to admit that guns are useful.

President Trump gave a prime time speech to the nation live from the Oval Office on network TV Tuesday. In my mind, he sketched out his plan for the Trump Presidential Library. It’s a very narrow building, twenty feet high and two thousand miles long, and offers a beautiful view of Mexico.

Senator Chuck Schumer and Speaker Nancy Pelosi followed the president’s pitch with a stern lecture as they stood together glaring at the camera. You had to laugh. They looked like two angry parents waiting up past midnight for Kevin Spacey to bring their teenage son home from the ballgame.

Kevin Spacey was arraigned in Connecticut on charges he sexually assaulted a sixteen-year-old busboy while in a restaurant in Nantucket two years ago. Following his courtroom appearance, Kevin was pulled over for speeding but the trooper let him off with a warning. Don’t touch little boys.

The U.S. Chamber of Commerce predicted a huge number of new businesses opening up in the next year due to the improved economy. I have decided to open a gym called Resolutions. It will be filled up with exercise equipment for the first two weeks, then it turns into a bar for the rest of the year.

The National Institute of Health released a national survey of alcohol consumption per capita by state and reported that Wisconsin is the heaviest-drinking state in the Union. It could be time for an intervention. Last night Wisconsin got so drunk, it woke up in bed this morning with West Virginia.

Apple CEO Tim Cook published a lower-than-expected earnings warning last week prompting investors to panic, resulting in a stock sell-off of ten percent of Apple’s worth. It lost seventy-five billion dollars in company value. The last time Apple fell like this, Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity.

Southwest Airlines founder Herb Kelleher was fondly eulogized after he died last week at age eighty-seven. During the viewing of the body, I got stuck in Group C. Ten minutes after the service began, a light went off in the chapel letting the mourners know it was safe to move about the funeral.

Democratic pundits told CNN Friday that they expect about twenty presidential candidates to run next year. They’ll use Instagram to let young voters get to know them. Last week Liz Warren finally proved her Native American blood by getting drunk in her kitchen on a can and a half of beer.

Iowa’s joyous response to Democratic candidates made me feel like I should run for president in 2020.Why not? When I read about Trump’s womanizing, W. Bush’s drinking, Bill Clinton’s pot smoking and Obama’s past cocaine use, I realize that I have what it takes to be four presidents in one.

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