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Argus Hamilton

‘California, Here I Come!’

HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The White House assured the nation Monday that the government shutdown won’t affect our security and protection. On Sunday morning, the U.S. Coast Guard seized ninety thousand pounds of pure cocaine off a ship in the Eastern Pacific. It very nearly canceled the Golden Globes that night.

The Golden Globes Awards sponsored by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association were held Sunday night at the Beverly Hilton ballroom. This awards show illustrates Hollywood’s worldwide appeal. “California, Here I Come!” is the national anthem of six countries in this hemisphere alone.

National Retailers Federation said Americans spent $10 billion on our home Christmas decorations this year. You get used to enjoying all the bright lights and colors. In order to avoid taking down my Christmas lights and decorations, I’m converting my house into a Chinese restaurant.

President Trump said his New Year’s resolutions are the success, the prosperity and the health of our country. It’s the kind of New Year’s resolution we all make to link our desire to improve ourselves and as time flies on by, I cannot believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.

President Trump met with the White House press corps in a surprise appearance Thursday to express his willingness to work with Congress in the coming year. It gets better. Trump announced his plan for a presidential library is a skinny building twenty feet high and three thousand miles long.

President Trump held a press conference Friday and revealed the U.S.-Mexico barrier would be made of steel that border agents can see through. We don’t need a concrete border wall, we should just use those rubber dividers everyone uses at grocery store checkout lines. Nobody ever crosses them.

Prince Harry announced last week he has given up alcohol in solidarity with his pregnant wife Lady Meghan while they expect their first child. They’re just starting up their family. Around the castle, he’s called Prince and she’s called Lady, so the question is, what will they name their dog?

Capitol Hill came alive Friday as new lawmakers staged videos and made over-the-top threats for media attention. Three women walk into a bar-- a socialist Puerto Rican, a pretend Cherokee and a Muslim with Tourettes syndrome. Donald Trump then buys the bar so this never happens again.

Liz Warren announced she’s running for president in a video Monday. She released the video on Instagram to match Beto O’Rourke youth outreach, she drank beer to match Joe Biden’s working class appeal, and she put a longneck beer bottle in her mouth to try to get Bill Clinton’s endorsement.

Liz Warren’s campaign kitchen video appeared to show an old Mammy cookie jar on the shelf above her head as she talked. It’s probably faked to make her look old and racist. I looked at the video very closely and it did not look like either of the Mammy cookie jars I have on my kitchen shelf.

Freshman Muslim Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib called President Trump a motherf***er in a speech Thursday. Her language drew fire from two factions. Tlaib was accused of promoting heterosexual images by the Gay Caucus, and the Black Caucus accused her of cultural appropriation.

U.S. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez went on 60 Minutes, called for a 70 percent income tax and compared herself to Lincoln. An old tape came up of her dancing on a bar table in college. A lot of table dancers compare themselves to Lincoln with all five-dollar bills that get stuffed in their pants.

The U.S. Chamber of Commerce predicted a huge number of new businesses opening up in the next year due to the improved economy. I have decided to open a gym called “Resolutions.” It will be filled up with exercise equipment for the first two weeks, then it turns into a bar for the rest of the year.

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