March 29, 2024

#metoo

Tomorrow, the Senate Judiciary Committee is scheduled to hold a preliminary vote on Brett Kavanaugh’s lifetime appointment to the nation’s highest and most influential court. Should this vote happen as planned, the message to sexual assault victims in the era of the #metoo movement will be loud and clear – your voice doesn’t matter.

On Sunday, Christine Blasey Ford, a California professor, came forward as the person who alleges that Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her more than three decades ago when they were each in highschool – an allegation Kavanaugh flatly denied.

On Monday, Ford was invited to testify before the committee, to which, as of Tuesday morning, she had yet to respond.

That same morning, Sen. Chuck Grassley appeared on Hugh Hewitt’s radio program, where he rhetorically suggested that Ford’s lack of an immediate response questions her credibility.

“It kind of raises the question do they want to, do they want to come to the public hearing or not?” he asked.

However, by late Tuesday evening, Ford agreed to testify in a hearing before the committee following an FBI investigation so that committee members have a chance to collect witness statements and and conduct a thourough, non-partisan investigation.

Coming out

Supporters of Kavanaugh are criticizing Ford for waiting until the 11th hour to come forward.

I can understand how this might appear. However, we don’t know all the facts of the allegations brought against Kavanaugh by Ford. But, I can tell you it takes amazing strength to come forward at all.

Around the same age Ford was when she claims she was assaulted by Kavanaugh, I, too, was sexually assaulted by one of my peers at a high school party.

After the incident, I replayed it over and over in my head. I felt ashamed, angry and full of guilt. I blamed myself. I blamed myself for allowing it to happen, because as he pinned me by my throat, I stopped fighting in an attempt to save my life.

It didn’t take long for the campus to buzz with rumors. He bragged to his friends about it and he made me sound willing. I wasn’t. Soon, school administrators caught wind of the incident, reported it to my parents and I was forced to attend a weekly on-campus group for survivors of rape and molestation.

The experience was humiliating as my classmates watched as security paraded me out of class and down the hall to a meeting room, where the group met. I just wanted to forget that it happened. Each week I felt revictimized as the counselor asked me how I felt and pushed for more details. I felt offended by her explanations of what I could have done differently to have prevented it from happening in the first place and from happening again.

When I think about that experience, I can’t imagine reliving those details on a national platform. I can’t fathom what it feels like, to think the only way to feel validated, is to air a very personal and traumatic experience in a televised hearing. I can’t imagine sharing all of that and watching my perpetrator be rewarded, regardless. So, I can understand why it might be taking some time for Ford to consider her next move.

Why it’s important

In the Hewitt interview, Grassley contended that he’d “hate” to have “somebody ask me what I did 35 years ago” in reference to the hearing, scheduled for Monday.

While I sit in disgust at Grassley’s unwavering support of Kavanaugh, I commend him for expressing the need to hear both sides to the story.

“We ... have a responsibility to hear Judge Kavanaugh, and I want to hear from Dr. Ford. And, she deserves to be heard, because these are serious accusations,” said Grassley.

As I write this, the minions of the internet are feverishly debating as to why something that happened 36 years ago is relevant today. Here’s why: it’s not about what Brett Kavanaugh did in high school – it’s about the kind of man he is today and whether or not he’s lying to an entire country he’s expected to serve.

“I categorically and unequivocally deny this allegation. I did not do this back in high school or at any time,” Kavanaugh said in a statement.

For me, what makes Kavanaugh’s words hard to digest are that Ford’s story is one that she shared years ago with a therapist in couples counseling with her husband. According to multiple news sources on all sides of the aisle, Ford has passed a polygraph test administered in early August by an FBI agent. Despite this, Kavanaugh denies the accusation. If Ford’s story is true, then Kavanaugh’s actions are inexcusable.

The people we trust

Sometime in the early 2000s, I went on a date. We had immediate rapport. He was attractive and charming, Catholic and an attorney. He was well spoken and well educated. In my head, at the time, I thought my parents would be impressed.

We met up at a local beach bar near his home. To be safe, I asked my friend Tracy to meet him to measure him up and vet him out. She approved and eventually let us continue our date without her. The conversation went so well, I walked him home and he invited me in, to which I obliged. It was there – in an unfamiliar, second-story condo in a gated complex – where he assaulted me.

I was bruised from the escape and shaken by the experience. Yet, I told no one except for Tracy. I felt stupid, disgusted and embarrassed. Again.

Years passed and as I was preparing to marry in 2009, the pastor of my community parish was suddenly transferred. However, the new parish priest was someone my mother ensured I would love.

“He’s really nice. He’s young. You’ll really like him,” I remember her saying.

Then she said his name.

I ran to the computer and Googled his name. Sure enough, that attorney I once went on a date with was now a Catholic priest. I called my friend Tracy, now my bridesmaid, to show her. She confirmed what I was seeing. I immediately expressed to my parents the reason I couldn’t have him marry us.

"Oh, that didn't happen," and "Well, that was then," and "He's found God," and "Everyone can change," are the words that followed.

I felt sick, angry and unvalidated. I felt 14 again. I was hurt by my parents’ dismissal. And, this is why rape, attempted rape, assault and harassment is wildly under reported.

I felt disgusted as he was invited to, and attended, family gatherings at my parents’ home. To see him stand across from me in my childhood home – on Easter Sunday – and smile at me in front of my child, made me want to nail him to a cross.

While there are many reasons victims take their sweet time reporting sexual assault (and, many never do), these are mine.

Kavanaugh

I want to believe that we are appointing the best – and more importantly – the most honest and just person to the highest court in the land. I want to believe in a system that is fair – where truth is sought and justice is served. I want to live in a culture where my smile isn’t an invitation, my body isn’t an object to be taken, and where young people, children even, learn how to speak out and set appropriate boundaries.

I want to believe I live in a society that is brave enough to acknowledge there’s a stigma surrounding sexual assault and actually want work toward mitigating that.

I want to find comfort in knowing that we can coexist with others and not be at risk for being assaulted. I will never find comfort in knowing that I’m “not alone.”

If tomorrow’s session rolls around and Ford has yet to agree to speak at Monday’s hearing, I hope the Judiciary committee will postpone the vote for a reasonable amount of time – even though I’m unsure of what length of time seems reasonable (how about after the election?).

If Ford’s allegation is true, I wish Kavanaugh would just admit it.

At least we will be able to carry on like we always do and say, "Well, he was just a boy being a boy," or "That was a long time ago," and "He's different now," and instead focus on his repulsive record as a jurist.