Editor’s note: This is the first in a three-part series on CNA Sports Editor Ryan Kronberg’s battle with depression.
I’ve had bipolar for as long as I can remember, going back to my days as a child in eastern Nebraska.
Severe mental illness.
There will be days where my brain works amazing. I’m peppy, high as a kite. My emotions are feeling great. I’m cheerful, outgoing, fun, free, overly chatty, willing to try and do about anything legal.
It’s a mania stage, where things are good.
Then there’s the dark, ugly days, where I fight just to keep going. It doesn’t matter how sunny or nice it is outside, my mind is robbed of its joy.
The days when I’m struggling like crazy, my poor coworkers, family and friends have had to deal with it. Those are the days where I know I’m a complete pain in the rear end to be around, the depressive side.
For the most part, I’ve been able to handle the dark days fairly well, survive them.
But the dark side of the disease manifested itself in a sick, sadistical way Memorial Day weekend four years ago, on May 26, 2013.
The day an awful choice, the dark, awful side of bipolar came within millimeters of ending my life.
May is National Mental Health Awareneess month.
This is my story, my journey in dealing with mental illness.
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Words I live by
“Life is like a roller coaster. There’s going to be a lot of ups and a lot of downs. To achieve all different things that you want to achieve in life you’re going to go through some rough spots. Perseverance is a key in my life and I think is a key in everybody’s life. The ability to overcome adversity is going to be very important in your life.
“Never lose hope. You’re going to have these rough spots in your life. The important thing is those who are finishers. Anybody can be a starter. The people who finish are important.” – The late Brook Berringer, former University of Nebraska quarterback.
The words said by my hero, my favorite Cornhusker football player of all time.
He said those words some time before he tragically died in a plane crash north of Lincoln on April 18, 1996.
The day my hero died.
April 18, 1996, is a day Nebraskans living there at the time, all of Husker Nation, will never forget; will never forget where we were when we heard the awful news.
April 18, 1996, arguably the saddest day in Nebraska history, similar to what Iowans felt when Indianola native and Hawkeye men’s basketball star Chris Street died in a car accident in Iowa City in January of 1993.
Little would I know how much those words Brook said would ring true in my life 17 years later and beyond.
On the worst day of my life.
The day my longtime battle with mental illness took a dark, nearly fatal turn.
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The moment
Someone was watching out for me, praying for me in those critical moments between 8:30 and 9 p.m. May 26, 2013.
The relationship with my girlfriend of two years had been straining for weeks.
It finally collapsed that evening, and in spectacularly awful fashion.
In that moment, the hopelessness one can feel when a severe depressive episode with bipolar completely overwhelmed my mind, body and soul.
I’d lost my job 11 weeks earlier. Now I was losing the woman I thought for the longest time I was going to spend the rest of my life with, the same girl I had very nearly proposed to only five months earlier.
My heart couldn’t take it anymore. Emotionally, I was at rock bottom.
After an ugly verbal incident in her car while driving in south Lincoln, and a return to her place on the northwest side, she ran into a nearby apartment and called the police.
I went upstairs to her place to grab my clothes, eventually head to my parents’ house an hour northwest of Lincoln.
I walked in, saw the knives in her kitchen. I grabbed what I thought was a large one. I took it into the bathtub, plunged it into my chest above my heart several times.
A few minutes later, I realized it didn’t work, grabbed my clothes, walked back outside.
Later that night, after dealing with Lincoln police over a verbal altercation we had, and a complete non-physical meltdown I had while in her car driving in south Lincoln, later back on the way to her place, I was taken to Bryan-LGH West Hospital in south Lincoln.
I was in ICU for two days dealing with my wounds and spent three more in the psych ward.
Then and there, it was past time to finally start dealing with in a new way a condition I’d self-medicated for years through various means.
In day two tomorrow, I talk about the scars, physically and emotionally, adjusting to a new life, a night to heal emotionally, self medicating in the past and how faith has been a key to surviving.
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If you need help
The National Sucide Prevention Lifeline is here for anyone struggling with difficult emotions – one does not have to be thinking about suicide to call. The number is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). If you or someone you love or care about is contemplating suicide, seek immediate help. Contact the nearest medical facility or dial 911 if necessary.
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Contact the writer:
Twitter – @ryankronberg
Email – rkronberg@crestonnews.com