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Letters to the Editor

Ding ding DONG!

From Birdie Sandeman


After several frustrating months of decisions, my personal phone book is complete. I have decided I am just too old, stubborn and ignorant for a cellphone, smartphone, track phone, iPhone, mobile phone, cordless phone and a grasshopper. (Not the bug.) And besides, unless Graceland Cemetery gets an answering machine, I’ll just stick to my land phone.

I will just remember the good old country days of picking up the receiver and ringing “Central” and giving him the number or persons you wished to speak to. Sometimes the number would consist of a long and two shorts or more. A few years later, there was a telephone office in town and they would also ring the number you desired. In the country, you were on a party line with some of your neighbors, so you could just pick up the receiver and listen or “rubber,” better than any Facebook gossip. “We butchered a hog today so we will be rendering lard and making headcheese.” “How many bushels of corn, threshers, eggs, chickens and who was in the family way?”

So now, maybe I won’t have to listen to those cellphone operators who know just about everything. “I’m sorry his mailbox is full and cannot accept any more messages,” “you have reached a number that is no longer available,” “your message is too short, for additional time press 7” or “the person you have called cannot take your message now.”

Perhaps I need one of those smartphones – they know everything. OK Mr. Smartphone, just what is “pulled pork?” I’d like detailed instructions on how to prepare it. Number one, do I bake it first? Do I use my left hand or right hand? Do I take my ring and nail polish off, or does it really matter? Is it anything like “shredded” pork? P.S. Just what is a pixel? Can I feed it to my cat?

So much for you Mr. Smartphone. I have a new gadget now. Her name is Alexa and she just sits on my window sill and answers all of my questions.

Number one Alexa, “Do we really need to know the wind chill factor?” “Why do gas prices always end in 9?” “Why does pepper make you sneeze?” “Can you entice my squirrels to clean my gutters?”

Good job Alexa, but excuse me while I retrieve my two tin cans and untangle the string for my new phone system – patent pending.

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